Mammaw and Me

I know I promised a series on Job and I'll get back to that once I figure out where to go next with it. Ministry is a wonderful challenge! With mother's day being this weekend I couldnt help but be thinking about the amazing mommas in my life and while they deserve more credit than ill ever be able to give them, I wanted to write down some of my thoughts. This is one is particularly hard, bringing me to tears as I type. Its been almost 9 years since my Mammaw passed away after battling what was basically a life of illness. Im not sure how she overcame all that she did and how she always managed to keep that sweet smile on her face. The strongest, most Godly woman ive ever met. I truly believe she was an angel that God sent here to show us that life is worth fighting for. Im blessed that God allowed me to be born to such amazing parents who themselves had such amazing parents. While they are both passed on, she and my Pappaw are what keep me believing in love. They met in the Army, her as a nurse and he as a soldier and I realize now how fitting that was because neither one ever left the others side. Its a reminder that every lady is worth a kiss goodnight everynight, and a call home every afternoon before you left work just to ask if there was anything she needed. Its a reminder that little arguments (if youd even call them that) during the day dont promise a failing love. And she herself was a reminder that battles you face in life dont define you. Which brings me to knowing that today she is with me. I feel like God gave my momma to her and then gave me to my momma so we could both learn a thing or two from Mammaw. I see even more now that God gives battles even to good people (just like Job learns in his story) because without challenges we would never grow in our faith. And thats exactly what Mammaw did. I dont know what she saw all those times she was in a hospital bed and threatened with losing her life. But i do know she never gave up hope in her Lord and Savior. Which is why I rest assured that she has been dancing with Him after all these years and I know She and He are both watching out for us in these times of need. I can't imagine the things shes seen and the eternal life that shes had but I can't wait to see her again one day and experience it too. It seems like only yesterday that I was crying the most tears I had ever cried up to that point as a 13 year old girl at her funeral. Im so thankful that I had those 13 years to know her and that shes suffering no more, and most importantly that shes walking right next to the one and only Jesus. Happy mother's day, Mammaw. I love and miss you more with each passing day. I know you are with us.

Are you Acing your tests? My journey with Job

You're probably seeing a theme in each of my posts. I would say I'd done it on purpose, which in a way I have. But in many other ways, its just come to me. In perhaps perfect timing. Last week I told you about Eve and her tests in the garden, how God never stopped loving her even though she gave into Satan's plea. I also spoke about how God is the ultimate teacher. Which leads to my further belief, a realization that I have recently come to, that the Bible is indeed a book of tests. I hate tests, particulary right now and a few of you reading that know me know why. But ive come to know that in every tests there is a lesson and a reason. I was encouraged this past weekend to read the book of Job. Ive not even made it to the second chapter yet and I can already see why it was recommended to me. Job was a blessed man. With an enriched farm and a blessed family. In the Bible, Job is described as "a man of complete integrity" who "fears God and stays away from evil" Job 1:8. It is then, that just like in our everyday lives, Satan decides to take over and do his best to turn the Godly Job away from his Savior. The Sabeans then raid and destroy his farm, the Chaldean raiders stole some of his animals and killed his servants, a giant wind came and collapsed his son's home, killing all of his children. Why would such a thing happen to a man who has been good? Who worshipped his Lord each and everyday and had raised his children to do the same. God was aware of Satan's plan to attack Job. So why would a God who loves us allow this to happen? One thing I found very intriguing was that in the book of Job, Satan comes to God and tells Him of his plan. To which God says, "All right you may test him"(verse 12). Satan believes that if he takes away what God has given us, we will not be able to withstand the challenge and will turn against Him. God's power overcomes ANYTHING Satan can do. He knows what Satan wishes to do and he puts limitations on it. He tells Satan in verse 12 "Do whatever you want with every thing he possesses, but do not harm him physically". Does it not make you feel well to know that God is behind Satan's every plan? To me, reading in this first short chapter of Job alone made me realize that indeed there is truth that God will not give you anymore than you can handle. A very close friend told me years ago that we never go through anything until it has been sifted through God's hands. He has given it his seal of approval. Job then went on like any other human being would do and fell into a deep grief. Just before shifting into a deep worship. He says, "The Lord gave me what I had and then he took it away" (verse 21). Satan was never given this credit because it was Gods work! God controls all the Earth INCLUDING Satan! Just remember that as you are struggling, it is not Satan who has taken control, its God. So dont worry, because he is behind all. Its says it right there in the fine print of the Holy word! It is so incredible how just reading a few Bible verses can change your whole day.... I hope you stay with me in this journey with Job.

What if failure is just postponement until greater success?

Today should have been a special day for me. I SHOULD have taken a pledge and gotten pinned with 50 of the best people ive ever met. But that didnt happen. A couple of years ago I chose to take failure out of my vocabulary. Thinking that if I never thought of it, it wouldnt exist. Its ugly face would just go away. Its one of those things as you get older, you realize is unavoidable. Its one of those terrible thoughts that keeps nagging at you time and time again. It leaves you asking, what if? What do I do if I FAIL? But what if failure really doesn't exist. No im not crazy. They say there is a time and place for everything. Maybe "they're" right. I believe "failure" is a precursor to a success greater than we could have imagined. I fully believe when December comes I will celebrate with a group of new friends. Just another way God has answered a prayer. My prayer to expand as a person and make more friends that I can depend on. I will pass the NCLEX with a score unlike any other and become a fantastic nurse because God has told me the time is not now. I will share a love with a man that surpasses all fairytales because ive felt the pain of not being good enough for someone. And come December, I will rejoice with a group of new nurses with a knowledge deeper than what a book can teach me. All after dedicating myself to yet another semester of minimal sleep, reading until my head throbs, and waking up at 5 am. A sweet victory, after seeing pictures and hearing the joy of my sweet friends who became graduate nurses tonight. Ive felt that "failure" but have taken a step towards becoming EXACTLY what God has called me to be.

And He Saw That It Was Good

Ive become a person thats not a fan of change. I always thought I welcomed it and its new opportunities, the new doors that God opens for us. Ive gotten so used to the coziness of my uneventful life that has a roof over my head and a place to lay me down every night. Sometimes I guess we grow selfish. I never would consider myself selfish in any stretch of the imagination, but perhaps God sees otherwise and uses the opportunity to teach. God is the ultimate teacher, the ultimate everything. The past week has been one dark cloud placed over me and my family by what feels like Satan himself. But just when I want to give Satan that acknowledgement, that pleasure he gets out of knowing he has brought tears to my eyes more in the past few days then anything has in a while; God steps in and tells me differently. Ive decided to look at this as a sign from God. That life isnt all about having everything your perfect way. I truly believe he gives us situations so we can turn to him in full focus and rely on him to pull us through. I believe he does not give us anything we cant handle, but I also believe he tests us just as he tested Eve in the garden. We have the choice to keep praying and depend on God, or to give into Satan's persuasion that God is not on our side. Eve had this choice too. Though she gave into Satan's brain washing, God did not forsake Eve and He forgave her and went on to turn her against Satan and renewed her faith and showed her He was the one TRUE God. God did not foresake Eve despite her wrong doings and He will not forsake us!! Do you ever think maybe this is what God does for us? Maybe he sees that we are taking for granted the countless blessings he provides us with and sees that this is work of Satan. God knows how to get our attention, and eventhough it may hurt like its Satan's work in the process, I truly believe its God's work and I trust him to get me through. I don't believe prayers go unanswered, I just know that He answers them in His own way even if sometimes it seems completely opposite from what we asked. Don't ever think a God that created every piece of the heavens and the earths with His own two hands doesnt know what He is doing. In Genesis 18, He uses day and night, the sun and stars, to seperate light from darkness! TO SEPERATE LIGHT FROM DARKNESS! And He will do just that in our lives. Even in the darkest of our days we still have our blessings and that is our seperation of light from darkness! God sees His own work as well and good. Everythig He made has His blessing. Since You and I were made from him, we are good too! He made us in his own image, and just to know that I am good enough to be made in THAT image is enough to know I am going to be ok. Even if you sin, He sees what he has created as good. Remember? Eve did exactly the opposite of what she was told. But God saw her as good and blessed her with sons and allowed her to be fruitful to the Earth. One of my favorite things to remind myself of daily is that God knew me and every situation I would encounter, tear I would cry, person I would meet, and emotion I would feel before He formed me in my mother's womb. Therefore, these current battles faced by myself and my family is nothing knew to my Lord and Savior. He was prepared for this long ago and He has prepared me for it by promising his love when He sent His son! Let us not forget that He has seen ALL of His doings as good. Even those moments that make you truly question if He was listening to that prayer or in your darkest of days, if He even exists. Even the most devout of Christians have been in that moment! But friends, remember He was in this situation before you were, just like He is already in tomorrow or next week or a year from now. And He will see this too as just another of His creations that is well and good. I truly believe that in the end of all our battles, we too will see that His work is always well and good.

Check 1015

This check went to Africa to help keep a young teenage boy stay in school. He was threatening to be kicked out if he could not pay the remaining $410 left on the balance. A $410 that like many of us, he did not have. I prayed. Asking God to mold me into a person that could help this boy attend school. All it would take is 10 people to give $41 but my bank account only had about double that amount. I wanted to do something, knowing that if I were in his position I would want someone to do the same for me. Being faced with the choice of going to school or being sent to the streets of violence and poverty and have no life for himself. Then I remembered one of my favorite versus. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" Galations 6:9 So i wrote a check for 41$ without thinking twice. Knowing that God would provide for me, and he has. I waited many a week for that check to finally go through. It did last week and my heart filled with joy, knowing that I had done what I could to help. I dont know if he has been able to stay in school, but I do know he has a GOD that cares for him, that lead others to walk His path and provide for this precious boy. In the midst of my joy, it didnt take me long to realize that I was giving all this joy to my selfish self rather than to the one that led me to this duty and gave for me as I gave for someone else. I even went as far as posting it all over facebook that ID helped send a boy to school. Im thankful that God cleanses me of my sins. Because that indeed was not anything I did, nor was it my work. It was Gods work. Praise be to his name.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life"

What do you do when you hear a thousand voices in your head telling you your never good enough? When you find out you made a 70 freakin' 7 on your first nursing exam of your last semester? When you've personaly watched all the years you spent building relationships and lasting memories dissappear because YOU wanted to be the selfish one and go away in a corner becasue its what made YOU feel better. First, you ignore that voice (Satan). Knock that ugly spirit off your shoulder. Then, you hit your knees and look up to Lord. This is GODS life. Not ours and CERTAINLY not Satan's. Will you pray with me tonight? Will you pray that Satan's nasty "words" and useless spirit will flee from us and be replaced with God's holy word? Ive had so many people tell me they wished they had the relationship with Christ that I had. Well, you can. We all can. If theres anything my last couple of post should have taught you its that im not perfect. At all. And my hope is that I haven't come across as thinking of msyelf as that. All you have to do is close your eyes and tell God your listening. He always speaks, but we dont always hear, often because we choose not too. God loves you friends, and He has not called you to be perfect. But to love one another and live and see the world through His eyes. To be an ambassador for him. He hasn't called you to be in church every sunday dressed in your best if thats not where your heart is. He sent His son for you, His ONLY son, so that you can live for HIM. Hes made a promise that we will never be foresaken. Its no secret that the world needs our precious savior today. He is getting our attention. Hes calling for peace, be it in this great big world or in relieving the terrible anxieties that Satan insists on us (shout out to me). He is calling for less hate and more love in our marriages, for our sweet innocent children and people who live in the slums of violent countries where hate runs deep over drama that started thousands of years ago. He's healing the sick and bringing essentials to the poor. Hes fighting satan every day to heal our pains, to drive away the nasty cancer and diseases that is taking over so many bodies so that babies can grow up with mommys and daddys, and so that mommys and daddys can hold and rock their babies even if just for one more day. Hes cleansing dirty hearts and healing broken spirits. He believes in YOU. He FORGIVES. HE LIVES! All you have to do is look around you and you will see. He is actively working, but he wants his people to act and listen I'll be listening tonight with you.

"If my people who are called by my name , will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways , then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

And heres to a long line of sinners like me

Who am I? Im a person thats breaking at the seams. I am not a perfect Christian and today proved that. I let the Devil win in so many different ways. I cried entirely too many tears over things I cant control. I wanted to run and hide form the world. I wanted to get out of Tennessee and forget about school. I wanted to be halfway across the world, in Kentucky, in my car driving with no real idea of a location. I wanted to be anywhere but stuck in this life that I have set before me right now. Im at a low point. That point in your life when the college kid in you realizes your graduating in less than 4 months. That finally realizes its not about fantasizing about your career anymore, its about DOING it. BEING a nurse. I have to write my resume and make it look decent enough for a job eventhough I dont feel like ive done anything noteworthy. I have to apply for a gazillion jobs and hope that one in Kentucky comes calling and that somehow in some sweet miracle ill come up with the money to move my life from here to there and start over. I have to pay nearly 500$ this semester for the NCLEX, my "pin", graduate fees, criminal background checks, etc. All while trying to pass 3 classes with an 80 otherwise I can kiss any of the above goodbye. Is this what we live for? Really? It cant be? I live for Jesus, but Satan is trying to win this battle. He reared his ugly head today and I almost gave into his convincing that everything was NOT going to be ok. Last night when I went to bed I asked that God put his arms around me and some other friends who were struggling right now. I suddenly felt jus that. Soft arms cuddling me. Im not making this up. I know God is with me even in the toughest of times even if he is trying to push me away from the plans I have made for MYSELF. Its not about me. When will I learn? The next 3 months may very well tell alot about what my future holds. Im not patient, but God has called me to listen. I just pray I can continue to feel his arms around me. Without him, I will not make it through this caos.