Are you just gonna stay here forever?

...She asked me as I got her set down in front of the computer with her favorite Disney games. I wanted to go back downstairs for some rare quiet time but what do you do when a sweet 4 year old voice asks that question? My first instinct was that she was being sarcastic. My reply: "Not if you dont want me too" and as I reach down to grab the laundry and head out I hear "No, I do want you too." I didnt do much, just sat in the floor next to her chair and spent some time with God and the Bible. But I was there. They say childhood is the best time of your life. That the "stresses" we face here dont come near to those you face as an adult (let me be the first to say that can be true). They also say your past doesn't have to predict your future. You might disagree when I say it does. I was that 12 year old 6th grader who had acne before anyone else did or even knew what it was and I wanted to cry when kids asked "whats on your face?", I had crooked teeth, glasses, bad hair, and TERRIBLE style. At times I even thought the teachers were laughing at me. I got teased by boys in my science and math classes, I looked at all the other girls and wondered why they seemed to be developing in a less awkward way than myself. I thought of myself as ugly but something kept telling me to be me. To not change my crazy style and stop shopping for clothes at Walmart (hence why I still do so today sometimes). I was the social outcast, band nerd, and had very few friends. Things got better as school years went on. I actually had people crush on me in 7th grade and through high school after I ditched the glasses and finally through on alittle makeup. Self confidence issues still hovered over me but then came my freshmen year of college. My growing up. My redemption. I went to a place of dirty, old community showers, hardcore drinkers, talks of late nights with guys they barely new, and rolling in at 1 AM and purposely waking me up just because I was the only one that stayed back to be ready for class the next day. Thats when I realized a person with no confidence wouldnt make it in this world. I once again had virtually no friends that shared any of my interests and when I had my first broken heart stuck in this shady atmosphere, there was no one to turn to but the voice of my sweet momma on the phone from 3 hours away. Thats also when I realized God was the only true presence. The one that was with me ALWAYS, not just sometimes. I think it took that to show me who I was. Im now out of that situation, still trying to figure out everyday who He wants me to be. So how do you define presence? Its not being a world saver or knowing EXACTLY what to say in someones time of grief. No one has all the answers and no one can heal you except for that soft spirit of Jesus. Im reminded of the 90s show Home Improvement, dont lie you've seen it. The main character, Tim, always has some kind of a problem in every show. And it never fails, we always see him go outside to the man across the fence,Wilson for some advice. We can't ever see his face, and he never tells Tim exactly what to do. But he does give some divine knowledge. Now im NOT trying to be sacreligious (sp?) but in some way this is how God is. His answers to our prayers arent always the exact answer that we ask for. He doesnt paint us a picture or lay it out in black and white. But there is always an answer, a sense of peace. He brings glory to us in the same way that we bring it to Him. He makes us who we are in His own time and pattern because He wants the world to embrace HIS creation. I prayed so long and hard to get into the college of my dreams. God answered that prayer but also showed me that wasnt part of His plan for me and how dare I mistreat his creation? He cleansed me, made me whole. Showed me I was meant to be a crusader for Him and not stuck somewhere in a college town trying to be someone im not. He was and IS my PRESENCE. A big thing in nursing school is being THERE for the patient. Understanding. Thats what its all about. To be there for your friends and enemies just like God is there for us. Always. Never backing away because they do something we dont agree with or if its "not our problem". I never had that real presence/shoulder to cry on as a college freshman but again, through my struggles I found the real thing I should have been relying on the whole time. Prayer. I was redeemed. I learned to love who God created ME to be. I stopped wanting to be all those other girls I wanted to be in middle school. God gave me those acne scars because He knew I needed to embrace my inner beauty and all that outer beauty I have now (ok just kidding). I got braces to fix those crooked teeth and show the beautiful smile God personally sculpted for me. He saw me as the prime example of the person who needed to embrace who SHE was, so he used scars so that I could love who I am now. Just like he used His used His own Son's scars to show love for us. And with that, how can you not love yourself? Years ago I would have agreed with you if you called me ugly, I still might on somedays that I choose to go out with no makeup and curly hair, but all in all I truly believe I am beautiful inside and out because I was made by one TRUE artiste. Creator of all creators. The past does not define us, but maybe our struggles do. Because each one has its purpose. Today I sit here as a much stronger woman. A daughter of God and two wonderful parents, a granddaughter, sister, niece, auntie, friend, prayer warrior, sinner saved by Gods amazing grace, a talented musician whose no longer ashamed, a beautiful soul with scars all her own. Still a FUTURE nurse because God wasn't ready for it yet. A future missionary, a lover of all with much more love to give. I am that shoulder to cry on, that presence through Him. He is with You and Me always. I am redeemed.