During a church service in Kentucky over the summer the congregation was given the opportunity to write down a confession to God on a small scratch piece of paper and pin it on a canvas board in the back of the sanctuary. Some people took the time to confess and surrender to God the things that they couldnt get a handle on themselves. That they simply needed to allow God to take over. Others just wrote down a prayer, one that maybe couldnt be verbalized but somehow could make better sense when pen met paper. A four year old girl who just happens to love to doodle was ecstatic with this assignment as it gave her something to pass the time with. She scribbled with no purpose at all over the paper. The Daddy's girl then took a walk with her daddy and the two of them pinned their confessions/needs onto the canvas. That 4 year old girl was my niece. Now some would say that the scribbles meant nothing and she had no real understanding or care for what the activity meant. For me, im not only touched and proud of such a sweet little innocent child, but redeemed in the realization that God sees meaning even in scribbles. At the age of four struggles are much different than what they are for me at 23 or someone of 50. And to her she may not even be able to comprehend her struggles. But the beauty is that through the messes of our lives and those days that we think we have nothing left to give and cant even put a finger on what it is we need, God understands the need. And He is already in the struggles of our future. Already understanding our pain when we dont even understand or before we even encountter it. What we dont get, He gets. Remember He is your creator so what could He not understand about you? Our biggest problem is not our biggest problem at all, the biggest problem is that we think God is not bigger than our biggest problem. Look at God's creation all around you and realize that He is bigger than little ole you. This lesson learned from my niece tells me that God understands our prayers even when we dont have the words to say them.

Deception

I know God always has things to say to us. He speaks to us daily and the test isnt to hear the message and carry out the plan correctly, its just to listen. Sometimes there are certain things He insists that we hear, maybe we haven't been listening or maybe He just wants us to know that what He has called of us is not completely out of reach like we often (or atleast I) seem to think. I heard Him loud and clear this morning as soon as Sunday serman at Beulah UMC began and I realized it was the exact same sermon I had heard last week at Southland Christian while visiting family in KY. Two very different churches, especially in size. But Gods message is never changing. Always the same. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever" Hebrews 13:8. The two pastors both even told the same story about the man in a grocery store who was followed by an elderly lady all through the store when she finally confronted him at the checkout line and told him that he reminded her of her late son and asked that he simply say "Goodbye mom" as she left the store. He then realizes that shes told the grocer that her "son" would pick up her over 100$ tab. The truth is this is exactly like Satan. Deceitful. He acts like he loves us but we know that only God has love for us that surpasses all understanding. But what we dont realize is that we are being drawn in to Satan's deceit each and every day. Some of us alittle worse than others. In John 10:10 Jesus tells us that the thiefs purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. But His purpose is to give us a rich and satisfying life. We all go through it. When God places obstacles before us that make us wanna run the other way. Whether it be holding us back one semester of nursing school, telling us to settle down with that one man or woman He has picked for us, to take that next step and walk down the aisle, that you are indeed supposed to remain in this ONE marriage forever, or move to a different state when all youve ever known is the one you live in. The truth is, gping any other path wont work. Kinda like Jonah (Im partial to Jonah because it was the book my first children's message came from, and I just love the story). He didnt like God's command to go and preach to the people of Ninevah. Then the storm catches him as he runs away and he ends up in a whales mouth. After this, he ends up where he was wanted the whole time. Ninevah. The amazingness is that God puts us where we need to be eventually even if we go face hard times on the way. Hes always getting our attention. And through trials we grow closer to Him, so He wins and Satan loses. Have you ever thought that those people that turn to drusgs, sex, and abuse do so because they have so little confidence in themselves that they dont believe they can do what God has called of them? That He has great things in store for them but Satan's deceit tells them better things are in the other direction. Ive seen it. And I believe it. I dont believe this level of evil truly lives inside God's people. But I do know that Satan is powerful. That these people are in desperate need of prayers and the reminder of knowing that are truly loved. I dont try to interpret what Gods lessons mean. But I cant help but believe He sends lost souls right to our feet because WE need to be the ones to lead them to His love. That fear is real and its easy to get away from God in todays society. We forget to open our Bibles when we work, go to school, raise kids, and sleep in our spare time. That hole I spoke about in one blog, the one that grows bigger and bigger with each passing day we dont spend in the scripture that Satan can dig into and chizzle away at. Its real and thats the problem with alot of our lost souls. Instead of running from God's next challenge, I hope you and I will do as Peter tells us. To "Give all your worries and cares to God, because HE cares about you." The only thing Satan cares about is turning us away from God and he has no room in his heart for love. Gods word is all powerful.

The Pieces..

"She was a slight black woman with deeply etched furrows in her weathered face. Her wiry hair, striated with shades of gnarly gray, was pulled back into a tightly wound bun. Arthritic hands, worn smooth by years love, labor, and life, flipped through pages of neatly placed books on the store shelf. I was 22 years old when I encountered the prophetess perusing shelves at a Christian book store in my hometown. Most likely my dress was too short, my shirt was too tight, and my face was too tanned. I was proudly strolling the aisles with my fiance, giddy with young love and bouncing with the energy of a college coed. I must have looked like a silly little girl. At least that would have been my summation as I reflect on the scene today. Steve and I were flipping through books on marriage when this little woman shuffled up beside me and placed her dark wrinkled hand on my arm. She looked me square in the eye and spoke. "Young lady, the Lord has just told me that one day you are going to preach the Word of God." I didnt know what to say, but somehow I managed a polite response. "Thank you, ma'am for sharing that with me." I replied. She patted my arm, turned, and disappeared out the door." I read this other day out of a book that my father got me at a gas station (no thats not a typo) thats become one of my favorites. Ive never been a big reader, but when I saw the title of this one "Becoming a Woman who Listens to God" (by Sharon Jaynes) I felt I should read it because thats something I really need to do more of right now. Ive been at a loss lately. Its hard thinking I have everything figured out just to have God remind me that, no I dont and He and I both knew that all along. So why do I try to figure it out so often? I had a great plan laid out to graduate from nursing school this past May and move to KY to be with my family. Around February of this year He began sending new people into my life that I could feel I was growing very close too. Id been asking for this, but when it came around in His timing I found myself saying "No, Lord not right now. I cant get close to people and then leave them in a few months to do this all over again." When graduating didnt happen (which im still upset about but now starting to embrace it) and I found out I would have to repeat a class in the Fall I thought "ok no big deal, Ill go to KY for the summer and work up there, come back for school, and then go back when I graduate like id planned." One measely little job interview came and went. I left feeling good about it but I guess God didnt because I never heard back. Mom and I have struggled with her being unemployed for most of the summer and we are so fortunate that my brother opened up his home for us. But she reminds me everyday how glad she is I didnt get that job because when my brother left for California for a month for work, I was here to help her chase around two preschoolers, a job that surely isnt easy for any number of people but its beautiful and untradeable all the same. So I know now that God had that planned out all along. The kids exhaust me and its hard being the disciplinarian and the spoiler all at once. An auntie cant go a single day without spoiling them  in some way...it just cant happen. I play referee, give piggy back rides, put together puzzles, fill sippy cups, kiss booboos, and give more hugs than I can count all in a days work. Sometimes I say I need a break an just want "quiet" time (quiet in quotations because that never usually happens here) Then God asks me why I want a break from this life his laid out just for me. And as much as I've told myself that, I realized today how much im going to miss the chaos when I go back to TN here in just a few short weeks. Everytime I back out of the driveway I cant wait for a nap but then I miss them minutes later and the cute things they say and do. Im blessed to spend my summer this way. And yet theres still something thats missing.  So then I tell God again "No, I like it here, its where ive wanted to be. Why do I feel otherwise?" I must have a left a hole in TN, I think to myself often. But on some days (like today) I realize maybe that hole is in my heart because even though I consider myself a very passionate Christian, I still havent turned all my worries over to God, trusting that He knows my future and will be with wherever I end up. Ive sat down in front of this blog several times and then ended up not posting what Ive come with because Satan tells me know one cares to read what I write. Satan does speak in our lives, its just a matter of which voice we choose to listen to and its easy to fall over and believe what isnt the truth no matter how strong of a Christian you are. I have come up with a message on forgiveness that may be some of the best words God has given me but I havent had the energy to share it with others because "what if no one likes it". Then God tells me how hard He already knows it is, how hard it is for Him to see people turn away from Him everyday when He allowed His only son to die so we could be, guess what? FORGIVEN. He tells me the best thing I can do is keep reaching, keep loving unconditionally and if that means only bringing one person to Christ, thats wonderful. For He tells us that when we do it for one of the least of His brothers and sisters, we are doing it for Him. (Matt. 25:40). I dont have to see the hands go up in praise of the Lord, or the tears run down a sinners face as he/she sees finds Christ. But I can know in my heart that I am doing good for Christ, how dare me be selfish and think I need to get "likes" on facebook, or compliments. I am confused about future, yes, but the one good thing is that God will be there, the same God that is here today, will be there then. And when my time comes to meet Him at His heavenly throne His arms will open wide and eternal life will be mine. As long as I have that hole in my heart Satan will take home in it, and He will continue to make me dwell on things I cannot change and he will continue to be there when I pray to God about the things I want, how I want Him to just show me the right direction instead of giving Him GLORY and thanking for one more day for me and one more day of peace and health for my family. But if I remain close to God and worship Him every single day, I will know that I am not even promised a future, but I am promised right now, and the rest is up to His story. So my future truly is up to God and I think thats why I still have no idea where I want to be eventhough ive pondered the thought continuously lately. Because as long as I believe in Him and know He is with me it doesnt matter if I make my home Kentucky, keep it in Tennessee, or get on a plane and go to Africa. A land I have so much love for yet have never set foot on the soil. I dont feel worthy for that but Peter, Noah, Moses, Jonah, and so many others werent ready either. And sometimes I think "God im not the one you want to send to Africa, why do I feel so strongly that I am the one? That you have placed a calling upon my heart and for crying our loud...why Africa?" But again, its on my heart for a reason, it wasnt my idea, it was His. And if He wants to use me in that way, I will become that person. In her book, Sharon didnt believe what the strange lady in the bookstore had told her. She had her plan as well. To have a house full of kids, a big house, and live happily with her husband, he as a dentist and her as his hygenist (how perfect!). Part of that did happen but due to fertility issues, she only had one child and today she does indeed preach His word writing books and speaking at different places. I truly believe God does send us angels when He needs help getting our stubborn attention. So it doesnt really matter what we choose for ourselves (and youd think I would know that because of what happened my freshman year of college but Gods lessons are never ending and maybe he sent me here to KY this summer to remind me it isnt my home, as bad as I want to be close to family, He reminds me it wouldnt be them I was leaving) because Gods path is the one that will win. We can take which ever we choose but in the end, only His will rescue us. I know my struggles and confusion are just pieces to His puzzle for me. It will all come together as my life progresses and when my life is complete so will be my puzzle. We put puzzles together one piece at a time, you cant get a head of yourself when doing them and lifes puzzle is no different. Im not going to be selfish and hope my life takes me to Africa, Costa Rica, and so forth to preach His word (eventhough I TRULY do feel called to Africa and sometimes maybe feel thats the whole in my heart), I just want to share it even if it never goes beyond this internet blog. As long as I love like He does, and share that love in THIS MOMENT....ive won. The rest of the pieces will follow. And when my puzzle is almost complete it will be just like when I finally accomplished that really hard puzzle of an ocean scenery I did with my nephew yesterdy, I will look at it and say "ohhh now I get it, it was shaping up to be beautiful the whole time".

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Notice the word "thanksgiving" in this verse, dont forget to thank God for where you are and who Hes helped you become, that things arent AS bad as they could be.Selfish prayers can help create that hole.

This one's for the girls

This is one of those "venting" blogs. Maybe even one that you dont care about and ill warn you now, if your a guy you probably DONT care. I had this thought earlier, one of my "blogging brainstorms". As much I feel God led  me to start this blog for others and not for me, I keep telling myself "this isnt your diary Whitney, no one wants to see you air our your dirty laundry." Then I remember how I preach about how your greatest struggles can turn into your greatest joys. I still cant fathom it but alot of people have been moved by my blogs. Not that I dont think they're good, im just in awe because these are all God's words not mine, and im not out to take glory for any of it. Hes not asked me to be a hero, just to share His word, His heroics. I didnt mean to do it, but suddenly ive come to realize my past few blogs have been centered on love. I guess its a "love" series. Im probably not the best person to come to for relationship advice. But I am set in what I want out of one, and that may or may not be the reason ive had very little success. Im convinced that theres 3 kinds of guys out there, and ive had every one. #1 The guy that takes FOREVER to make it "official" no seriously, like forever. Girls, am I right when I say that when we said we wanted to take it slow, we didnt mean we wanted to wait until we had grey hair and no viable eggs? #2 The guy that just does everything way to fast and we then find out it was never "us" he wanted....get it? #3 The guy that seems perfect at first. He goes at about the right pace and you get along pretty good. But sooner or later he just starts to treat you as one of the guys. I think friendship is HUGE in a relationship but there are some things you just dont wanna do with a "friend". I am not asking for a pity party here, I dont want to get a thousand comments about how "Oh im soo young and my prince will come someday"....yeah shut up. I already know that may or may not be true. I appreciate everyone's encouragement but heres another question for the girls. No matter how many times you hear that from someone whose already madly in love with a ring on their finger (easy for them to say) it doesnt make you feel any more certain that it will happen. Correct? SO. With that being said I had another talk with God today. I dont claim to hear voices even though i am crazy and I dont try to argue that one. But I do feel like I get answers when I pray and sometimes instantly. Its so amazing the way God does things. Today my answer was in the same form as it always is. Not exactly what I wanted to hear but it gave me peace. I know Hes calling me to be patient. The problem is im not patient and I feel like thats one thing ive been called to be for the past few years (He REALLY wants to be patient). But then I remember a verse I came to love so dearly just a few weeks ago, "Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised." Hebrews 10:36 See we dont always (hardly ever actually) understand what God is doing, but we also didnt know ourselves before we were formed in the womb. I dont know my future. But He does. Everything that is unknown to me is know to Him. This also comes from Hebrews 10:34 "You suffered along with those who were thrown into jail, and when all you owned was taken from you, you accepted it with joy. You knew there were better things waiting for you that will lasts forever." HI WHITNEY! Hi everyone! God has promised us happiness, both now and forever. As believers, we truly will live happily ever after. So as I was crying out to God asking why He seems to get me in so much trouble with relationships that in turn give me way too many tension headaches, I heard it again. That call to be patient. It wasnt a verbal response really, more like a feeling that helped me know exactly what He was saying. He told me "But child, if everything was so easy for you in the love department (yes God speaks my language and yours too) then you would never have what you have always hoped and asked me for. Which is that everlasting love similar to the one I have promised you. When I show you the right person, you will appreciate that love truly and with my help you will make it last because I have shown you both sides of the story. If you continue to be patient I will show you what to do. I will not let you walk alone on this." And then he reminded me of another verse  in Ecclesiastes 3 about there being a time for everything. "For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven, A time to be born and a time to die, A time to plant and a time to harvest, A time to kill and a time to heal, A time to tear down and time to build up, A time to cry and a time to laugh, A time to grieve and a time to dance, A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, A time to embrace and a time to turn away, A time to search and a time to quit searching, A time to keep and a time to throw away, A time to tear and a time to mend, A time to be quiet and a time to speak, A time to love and a time to hate, A time for war and a time for peace." 3:1-8. I feel like it might as well keep going and say "Whitney there is a time for you to find love and a time for you just to wait and watch my plan for you unfold. There is a time for to graduate nursing school and a time for you to see what is in store for you at this new campus. A time for you to go to Africa and time for you to stay and help your brothers and sisters here." God has written each of us something like this. And maybe I am meant to stay single and just go to third world countries to witness to the lost, or maybe wait and get married after that. I dont know, but He does and I know I will be thankful for walking His path just like I am so far. Then I thought about Ruth and how her heart was broken and then she followed Gods path and was rewarded with a new love and a new son. The funny thing is, I read her story and the verse in Ecclesiastes earlier in the week but just now am I seeing why God led me to them. I trust that He has something for me in the future that will help me to look back at this blog somewhere down the line and say "Oh I get it". And it doesnt have to be about finding the right guy that I can have til death do us part. Pain comes from many things and many types of loss. But one thing about it is always certain. There is a tomorrow. A time for happiness. And take it from someone who knows...Time heals all wounds.

I will follow you, why would I not?

Some of my best ideas for blogs lately have come while sitting in the computer room while my niece and nephew play their Disney games. I listen to them laugh, and brag about their accomplishments and my pen goes crazy with notes as I flip through my Bible (hello children's ministry calling!). I was reading Ruth yesterday, I got encouraged by the book when we studied it in our young adults group at church (miss my peeps!). Anyway im astonished at the way Ruth speaks about her love for her family and faith in what she has been called to do. Ive spoken a lot about relationships lately, not just for me, but also for many people who are dear to my heart and for those I dont know that are lost in there own relationships. Now my thoughts on it may make you angry and part of my wants to apologize for that, and then again part of me has trouble caring. Im a believer in that there are 3 components to a true relationship. Two being the person and their partner (sadly I have to pick my words carefully these days) and one being a spirit, the spirit of Christ. Losing sight of God makes us lose many things that are dear to us, those things He provided. I know many wonderful Christian couples who have had rough relationships and im not out to offend anyone who has been divorced, I want everyone and people of all kinds of relationships and pasts to see Gods work in this blog. I learned from Ruth one thing I already knew, that God calls each of us to walk His path and sometimes the ending is not what we expected but its worth more than we ever could have predicted. Ruth married a son of Elimelech and this made her the daughter in law of Naomi. Naomi had two sons. Elimelech (Naomi's husband) died and a few short years later so do her two sons. Leaving her with no husband or children. Naomi took her two daughters in law to Judah where the land had been blessed. Soon Naomi turns to her daughters and says "Go back to your mothers', I am no good for you anymore."1:8 At first both girls denied her but then Naomi explained that she would not bare anymore sons and even if she did, the women could not wait for the boys to grow old enough to marry. Basically, she had nothing to offer them. Hearing this, Oprah (another daughter in law) turned away and went back to her native land. Naomi once again encouraged Ruth to follow suit, but Ruth goes on to recite perhaps one of the most beautiful verses in the Bible, "Don't ask me to leave you and turn back. Where you go I will go, wherever you live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God,. Wherever you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord punish me severely if I allow anything but death to separate us. " Ruth 1: 16-17. THIS IS REAL LOVE PEOPLE! Why should you want to be anywhere but with the person/people you love?! I hope someday to look into my husbands eyes and be able to recite this verse with true meaning. It should not be a chore to go with the one you love, or to walk with the Lord. Naomi is sure that the Lord has taken away all that she has but Ruth proves otherwise, she proves that she has faith in her mother and in the Lord. Naomi is rich with the biggest fortune of all, love, but like many of us, she doesn't realize that. She sees one tragedy as the end to all, that taking away those she loved left her with nothing when instead it left her with a daughter in law that showed true devotion and loyalty. And this continues to prove my ongoing point that sometimes our battles bring about our truest of true blessings. Once in Judah Naomi sends Ruth out to pick up scraps left behind by workers in the field of Boaz who we later discover was a relative of Elimilech. The kind hearted Boaz comes up to Ruth and basically tells her to go forth and pick with his own workers, that they will purposely leave some for you and Ruth is confused by this. Afterall she is a foreigner and has been welcomed into this land as one of the natives (we all know that probably wouldnt happen in todays world right?) Boaz answers "I know, but I also know about everything  you have done for your mother in law since the death of your husband." (Ruth 2:11). See? love and loyalty are rewarded by God. When Ruth chooses to sale her family land, Boaz agrees to not only purchase the land but to marry Ruth so they can bare a son and he will inherit the land. And they indeed do bare a son, a true gift from the heavens just like any child. The Lord gives new love and peace that surpasses all understanding to Ruth and to Naomi, the one that thought all had been taken from her. She now had received what she had lost. A son. And she now had someone to care for her when she became old, and someone to carry on the land. She had not lost anything!!! Sometimes our biggest battles lead to our greatest joys. I mean WOW! I find myself incredibly jealous of the selfless love that both Ruth and Boaz shared. It was a challenge for Ruth and Naomi as both left all that they knew and what little they did have, but they were rewarded in due time BECAUSE THEY WALKED THE PATH!! And they remembered to show the one thing we all forget. To love. In how many relationships do you honestly see selfless love? Its hard to get two people on the same page. But HELLO! Its right here in the black and white. Theres a big discussion that I never care to be a part of that certain things in the Bible are too old fashioned and that "God didnt mean for us to live this way forever" (blah blah) but I stand firm that this is one thing we should NOT change on. In 1 Peter verse 7 God tells men to take their wives as an equal even if they are indeed lesser and this is what Boaz did for Ruth! She was poor and picking scraps in fields, but he changed her life through love. Men, I challenge you to become Boaz, and women, dont be afraid to be a Ruth.

Are you just gonna stay here forever?

...She asked me as I got her set down in front of the computer with her favorite Disney games. I wanted to go back downstairs for some rare quiet time but what do you do when a sweet 4 year old voice asks that question? My first instinct was that she was being sarcastic. My reply: "Not if you dont want me too" and as I reach down to grab the laundry and head out I hear "No, I do want you too." I didnt do much, just sat in the floor next to her chair and spent some time with God and the Bible. But I was there. They say childhood is the best time of your life. That the "stresses" we face here dont come near to those you face as an adult (let me be the first to say that can be true). They also say your past doesn't have to predict your future. You might disagree when I say it does. I was that 12 year old 6th grader who had acne before anyone else did or even knew what it was and I wanted to cry when kids asked "whats on your face?", I had crooked teeth, glasses, bad hair, and TERRIBLE style. At times I even thought the teachers were laughing at me. I got teased by boys in my science and math classes, I looked at all the other girls and wondered why they seemed to be developing in a less awkward way than myself. I thought of myself as ugly but something kept telling me to be me. To not change my crazy style and stop shopping for clothes at Walmart (hence why I still do so today sometimes). I was the social outcast, band nerd, and had very few friends. Things got better as school years went on. I actually had people crush on me in 7th grade and through high school after I ditched the glasses and finally through on alittle makeup. Self confidence issues still hovered over me but then came my freshmen year of college. My growing up. My redemption. I went to a place of dirty, old community showers, hardcore drinkers, talks of late nights with guys they barely new, and rolling in at 1 AM and purposely waking me up just because I was the only one that stayed back to be ready for class the next day. Thats when I realized a person with no confidence wouldnt make it in this world. I once again had virtually no friends that shared any of my interests and when I had my first broken heart stuck in this shady atmosphere, there was no one to turn to but the voice of my sweet momma on the phone from 3 hours away. Thats also when I realized God was the only true presence. The one that was with me ALWAYS, not just sometimes. I think it took that to show me who I was. Im now out of that situation, still trying to figure out everyday who He wants me to be. So how do you define presence? Its not being a world saver or knowing EXACTLY what to say in someones time of grief. No one has all the answers and no one can heal you except for that soft spirit of Jesus. Im reminded of the 90s show Home Improvement, dont lie you've seen it. The main character, Tim, always has some kind of a problem in every show. And it never fails, we always see him go outside to the man across the fence,Wilson for some advice. We can't ever see his face, and he never tells Tim exactly what to do. But he does give some divine knowledge. Now im NOT trying to be sacreligious (sp?) but in some way this is how God is. His answers to our prayers arent always the exact answer that we ask for. He doesnt paint us a picture or lay it out in black and white. But there is always an answer, a sense of peace. He brings glory to us in the same way that we bring it to Him. He makes us who we are in His own time and pattern because He wants the world to embrace HIS creation. I prayed so long and hard to get into the college of my dreams. God answered that prayer but also showed me that wasnt part of His plan for me and how dare I mistreat his creation? He cleansed me, made me whole. Showed me I was meant to be a crusader for Him and not stuck somewhere in a college town trying to be someone im not. He was and IS my PRESENCE. A big thing in nursing school is being THERE for the patient. Understanding. Thats what its all about. To be there for your friends and enemies just like God is there for us. Always. Never backing away because they do something we dont agree with or if its "not our problem". I never had that real presence/shoulder to cry on as a college freshman but again, through my struggles I found the real thing I should have been relying on the whole time. Prayer. I was redeemed. I learned to love who God created ME to be. I stopped wanting to be all those other girls I wanted to be in middle school. God gave me those acne scars because He knew I needed to embrace my inner beauty and all that outer beauty I have now (ok just kidding). I got braces to fix those crooked teeth and show the beautiful smile God personally sculpted for me. He saw me as the prime example of the person who needed to embrace who SHE was, so he used scars so that I could love who I am now. Just like he used His used His own Son's scars to show love for us. And with that, how can you not love yourself? Years ago I would have agreed with you if you called me ugly, I still might on somedays that I choose to go out with no makeup and curly hair, but all in all I truly believe I am beautiful inside and out because I was made by one TRUE artiste. Creator of all creators. The past does not define us, but maybe our struggles do. Because each one has its purpose. Today I sit here as a much stronger woman. A daughter of God and two wonderful parents, a granddaughter, sister, niece, auntie, friend, prayer warrior, sinner saved by Gods amazing grace, a talented musician whose no longer ashamed, a beautiful soul with scars all her own. Still a FUTURE nurse because God wasn't ready for it yet. A future missionary, a lover of all with much more love to give. I am that shoulder to cry on, that presence through Him. He is with You and Me always. I am redeemed.

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Mop?

Can you tell I love children's ministry? I love it for so many reasons. One because I just really love the way the eyes of a child see the world. God speaks to them in his own way and yet we adults can learn from a children's message to,sometimes in a completely different way. One thing I love about each book of the Bible is that there are so many lessons to be learned in each one if you take the time to look at it the right way. The past couple of nights my sweet nephew has bought me his little "My First Bible" book and asked me to read it to him. I love his. Not just because I love the fact that at 3 years old hes already interested in the Bible,while I know he cant understand every little meaning, he gets it. He sees something in it that I dont see, and vice versa. The other night while playing "school" with he and my niece, they picked out a Veggie Tales book (hence the title of this blog) and asked me to read it aloud the "Class" which just consisted of the three of us ofcourse. To make a long story short, the book is all about facing your fears and Larry and Bob are detectives who have been called to help find a missing girl who is just hiding because she is afraid to get on stage for a spelling bee. Now to keep the little ones entertained the book mentions that Larry has nightmares about mops attacking him and when trying to find the little girl who is somewhere in the school, he walks into a dark custodians closet where he is indeed attacked by mops. But when hearing these loud noises, the little girl becomes curious and leaves her hiding spot where she is found. Cute way to get the point across. It is then that she tells everyone she prayed about her fears and God removed them from her. So for the children, the message is relatively clear. God will always listen and is always there to chase away our fears. I'll share with you how I interpeted it. By facing his own fear of the mops, Larry helped the lost get found. And I cant help but think thats what God wants us to do. Like when your ministering to a nonbeliever or to a stranger whose beliefs you are unsure of. You fear being judged or made fun of by todays society, but you know this is what God has called you to do and by facing that fear, you help the lost get found in their faith. Or like when your called to mission work in a state youve never been too or better yet a third world country where your not sure where your meals or hot showers will come from. But by taking a leap of faith and facing this fear of the unknown, your doing the work of God. Could you imagine the fear of Mary and Joseph when they were told that this innocent virgin was carrying the true Son of God? Could you imagine hearing, "You will call him Jesus" or being pregnant and on camel back and hearing, "there is no room for you here"? But, this little boy birthed by a virgin would save an unknown world. Like when Jonah is called to witness to the people of Ninevah, but he is afraid and runs from Gods calling and then is shipwrecked into the ocean, taken into the mouth of a whale and then saved. By this Jonah, is maybe found a little himself and goes on to teach the people of Ninevah to repent. Whether you like it or not, Gods plan will be. Then theres what has become one of my favorite books, the book of Job. His three friends place judgement on him, insisting he must have sinned in order to recieve such punishment of God. In reality, they are the ones sinning and God teaches them this but does not punish them. He just simply asks Job to pray for them. So in Job's time of struggle, 3 friends learn a lesson in their faith. Have you ever thought that maybe your struggles today are for this reason also? To help someone renew their faith or maybe find it for the first time. By writing these blogs about my struggles and lessons learned in them, ive had several people tell me their inspired by my relationship with God and long to have a better one themselves. Im so thankful God has lead me to do that, to show others that what God has done for me, He can and will also do for you. I didnt ask for Him to bring me to struggles. I have asked to become closer to him each and every day. And through struggles, we are drawn closer.He calls the ordinary to do extraordinary things, and thats what He has done for me. Telling me not to be afraid, because everything has a meaning, perhaps to show others what He can do, like he shows so often in the Bible. If He chooses to show His power and grace to others through you, don't shy away. For like Job, you will be rewarded. If with nothing else, great gratification like mine. "By his wounds, you are healed." 1 Peter 2:24

No Greater Love

Very few people know my thoughts on relationships. Mostly because no one ever asks or cares to take the time to listen. What is love? (Baby dont hurt me) Is it that schoolyard thing were you chase eachother and swear the other has cooties? maybe. Who am I to say its not? Or is that high school thing when you hold hands in the hallway between classes and then spend all night on the phone talking about nothing? Then theres the college love when neither one of you really know what you want but you know you like being around eachother, and if your anything like me...you realize its so scary to be with someone yet you want to all at the same time. Some people seem to get it right from the very beginning. When you meet your "boyfriend" in middle school and just keep falling in love with him every single day and then finally tie the knot in your twenties. Yeah, I hate those people too. Then theres people like me, who are 0 for 3 and have no motivation to meet someone in the future. I know God teaches us to love one another from the very beginning. Thats why he sent his son to die on the cross for us, to show us that love, REAL love always exist even when we cant seem to find it. I truly believe we all have our purpose, and I cant help but think that to love is one of those purposes. Maybe it is to adopt little babies as a single parent and give them the love they could never imagine, or to find your soulmate at whatever age (maybe on the second or even third try) and have your dream wedding followed by your dream honeymoon which leads to a life of love, laughter, and pure happiness. To hold your first born in your arms after hours of labor, and then grow to see your babies have babies. Or maybe its just sharing a smile with your lonely next door neighbor whose husband died yerars ago and shes never had the energy or desire to find love again because, even in heaven, he still holds her heart. We dont come to love simply by meeting a partner. We love and are showered with happiness simply by not hating and forgiving. 1 Pete 4 verse 8 tells us to "Love each other deeply, because love covers a mulitude of sins". But how do we love and not hate? I'll be honest its not easy, especially when youve been burned as much as I have. I think God wants each of us to have our own love story, and that no one love story in all His creation is exactly the same. My belief is that I've experienced heartache and failed love so that one day I can give one man my ENTIRE heart, and experience love and happiness beyond all understanding. And ill understand what I need to do each and every day to make that love truly last until death do us part. I think the same goes for divorce. I believe bad things happen to make the great things to come greater. Or it could be that God has chosen for me not to find love so that I give all of that to give the kids in Africa and across the world all the love I have. Or so I can love my patients as if they were my own mother, father, brother, sister, or children. I believe we are created for love or with contentment and independence to forever be just one person and never made for 2 to become 1 in the eyes of the Lord. I dont know, I do however know that I am not one to question God. God told Jonah that since He created the heavens and the earths, Jonah was not one to question His plan. Besides God's love, ther is one more that I will never be able to understand and thats one of a soldier, sailor, marine and all other service men and women. I chose not to spend my Memorial Day on the lake with a drink in my hand (nothing towards anyone who did) Instead I spent it walking through the precious graves of some local military cemeteries. As i passed one grave in particular, it all came to me. A love for ME someone this man did not know (just like Jesus). I can't even imagine. The gentleman had recieved the medal of honor because he refused to leave the battle ground after being injured twice. I could never do that, but I wish I had that love to give and I thank God every day for calling on those individuals and leading them to answer that call so that I can sit here and praise a God and feel safe enough to talk about it. Then there is the love of Jesus, the love that surpasses all others. The love that Jesus tells us in John 19 verse 28 he was ok to die for because he knew his mission on this earth was complete. Like it or not, we all have our mission on this earth. I know a big part of that mission is to love for John 15:13 tells us "There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends". No he does not ask all of us to die for someone else. But in a way thats what we do, or at least thats what I plan to do. To marry someone and have a love so deep that im willing to give up have my life so that they can live. And then have my own children and give my crazy kid life (that never has been so crazy) so that they can grow up and have their life the way they want it. And then one day be layed to rest so that the ones I leave behind can hopefully live a life the way I have taught them. Those are my plans and that what love is to me. So if you ever have to wonder if love truly does exist (as I do at times) dont let Satan take over. Remember the love that Christ had for you, and the love that He still does each and every day. Love is something worth dying for.

Grown up moments...

I hate them. Some seem worse than others. I felt good all day today. So on fire for Jesus I could hardly stand it.I couldnt go to sleep last night because so many thoughts were raging through my head about possibly blogs. I wrote so many sloppy notes last night its not even funny. I love doing amateur "sermons" and this blog and I feel the need to teach everyone I can about Jesus. Be it somewhere overseas, in the hospital, or to someone ive never met who stumbles upon my blog when they're bored. Its like my light got switched on, my match got struck, and now my heart is beating for the One and Only. Then suddenly that dark cloud started to take over. This probably wont be one of my more positive blogs. I hate that for those reading and know you dont come to hear my venting, but to learn about some new book in the Bible. Its like now that there is no school I have more time to blog and study the Bible, but I also have more time to think about everything that isnt going correctly. I think about how so many things lead me to want to stay here where ive called home for almost 20 years but other things tell me to go forth and go to a new place where my past truly is my past. Now I know why so many people said you shouldnt wish to grow up so fast. Why so many people always hated romantic movies and that love in real life isnt always like the movies. And it certainly isnt the way we thought it was in grade school. My doctor says I shouldnt be on the compouter before bed and now here I am. There are so many questions I want to ask, but then I realize im not supposed to know the answers. If we were life would be a lot easier and we would have no chance to grow in our faith is everything was so honky-dory all the time. So why do I turn to my blog? My personal issues arent worthy of the space ive created for the Lord. But as always, he tells me something in my time of deep pain and confusion. He and I want you to know that although I am a true Christian saved by the blood shed by Christ and that he controls all....I still struggle and I still question. Yes, I ask why me God? Its so easy to ask. Just like Jonah and Job both did (both of which have blogs coming up). He wants you to know that none of us are perfect, but HE, HE is. God gives us challenges just as he did for those in the Bible, but instead of running from them which is so easy to do, He wants us to run TO Him. I dont want to get too far in detail because alot of this is similar to what I wanted to say about Job and Jonah which adds to my fear that I sound like a broken record. Then I stop worrying about that because maybe thats how God wants me to sound. Hes led me to teach about battles and finding the light. Im gonna leave you with a verse I just so happen to come around across the other day. One that you might see more of in the coming posts....It comes from 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.."All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all Mercy! God of all healing Counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alonside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." Hmmm....I just have to keep remembeing that verse. And with all the blogs Ive felt led to write lately, I can't help but thank thats what God wants for me. Here are a few more verses suitable for the moment... "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:18 "Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 "The Steps of the Godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives." Psalm 37:23

Momma

Ive been debating all day about whether or not to write this. I just know nothing I can ever say or write will give my mom half the credit and appreciation she deserves. And now that there is only an hour left in Mother's day and my sweet momma has gone to bed (I tend to write better when im by myself in my zone) I got in my blogging zone and since im STILL stuck on Job I decided momma deserved a blog. I dont know where to begin on her, I just know shes carrying on the tradition of strong, incredible women in our family, a tradition that I dont see how I will ever be able to continue. I want to thank my mom for so many things. Like how she put me in a dress and sent me to Sunday school almost from the time I could walk and has continued to encourage Jesus in my life for the past 22 years and turned me into a woman thats on fire for Jesus. Theres not a day that goes by that she doesnt remind me in some way that "God is in control" even if its not verbally. It takes one incredible woman to raise two sons 18 months apart and then 7 years later....have a baby girl. It had to have been hard raising two teenagers all while having a little school ager (I know how challenging that is from Peds class!) but she did it and never complained. Then there was that time I got a stomach virus and her and mammaw slept with me in the living room all night and listened to my misfortune (lol). When no other mom could handle being in two (sometimes three) places at once, she did. Every sporting event, scout trip, dance recital, band competition, or school awards ceremony saw her there with a smile and we never had to ask if she was coming because we always knew. When my oldest brother went to Germany and Iraq and life had to go on back here in America with me as a teenager, she didnt leave me and did her best not to cry in front of me. I saw her heartbreak the night my grandparents died and the day we laid them to rest but she always found the time to comfort her kids. When she got the call in the middle of the night that Hailey Grace was on her way she jumped in the car for 3 hours without skipping a beat. Then there was the time when I had my first broken heart as a 19 year old three hours away, and she listened to me cry on the phone every night and still smacks me in the face to this day when I wanna blame that on every guy I meet! When my most recent tragedy came and I called her bawling my eyes out, she left work just to come hold me and tell me "You'll get through this" and she was right...as always. Theres the mom thats moving in 2 weeks to go help the heal the heart of guess who...another child. Last night when I went to bed, my wheels were turning for this blog and everything I wanted to say to the point that I almost got out of bed to write it...but ofcourse my laziness didnt. And I guess now im paying for it since I cant remember half what I wanted to say. But I hope she knows all that she means to me although nothing I ever do will be able to tell her that. My admiration for her grows daily and though I sometimes crumble at the thought that MY rock, the lady thats always supposed to have all the answers, is searching for some herself..I know that im no longer the little girl and now its my turn to be the rock. Good thing I learned from the best.

Mammaw and Me

I know I promised a series on Job and I'll get back to that once I figure out where to go next with it. Ministry is a wonderful challenge! With mother's day being this weekend I couldnt help but be thinking about the amazing mommas in my life and while they deserve more credit than ill ever be able to give them, I wanted to write down some of my thoughts. This is one is particularly hard, bringing me to tears as I type. Its been almost 9 years since my Mammaw passed away after battling what was basically a life of illness. Im not sure how she overcame all that she did and how she always managed to keep that sweet smile on her face. The strongest, most Godly woman ive ever met. I truly believe she was an angel that God sent here to show us that life is worth fighting for. Im blessed that God allowed me to be born to such amazing parents who themselves had such amazing parents. While they are both passed on, she and my Pappaw are what keep me believing in love. They met in the Army, her as a nurse and he as a soldier and I realize now how fitting that was because neither one ever left the others side. Its a reminder that every lady is worth a kiss goodnight everynight, and a call home every afternoon before you left work just to ask if there was anything she needed. Its a reminder that little arguments (if youd even call them that) during the day dont promise a failing love. And she herself was a reminder that battles you face in life dont define you. Which brings me to knowing that today she is with me. I feel like God gave my momma to her and then gave me to my momma so we could both learn a thing or two from Mammaw. I see even more now that God gives battles even to good people (just like Job learns in his story) because without challenges we would never grow in our faith. And thats exactly what Mammaw did. I dont know what she saw all those times she was in a hospital bed and threatened with losing her life. But i do know she never gave up hope in her Lord and Savior. Which is why I rest assured that she has been dancing with Him after all these years and I know She and He are both watching out for us in these times of need. I can't imagine the things shes seen and the eternal life that shes had but I can't wait to see her again one day and experience it too. It seems like only yesterday that I was crying the most tears I had ever cried up to that point as a 13 year old girl at her funeral. Im so thankful that I had those 13 years to know her and that shes suffering no more, and most importantly that shes walking right next to the one and only Jesus. Happy mother's day, Mammaw. I love and miss you more with each passing day. I know you are with us.

Are you Acing your tests? My journey with Job

You're probably seeing a theme in each of my posts. I would say I'd done it on purpose, which in a way I have. But in many other ways, its just come to me. In perhaps perfect timing. Last week I told you about Eve and her tests in the garden, how God never stopped loving her even though she gave into Satan's plea. I also spoke about how God is the ultimate teacher. Which leads to my further belief, a realization that I have recently come to, that the Bible is indeed a book of tests. I hate tests, particulary right now and a few of you reading that know me know why. But ive come to know that in every tests there is a lesson and a reason. I was encouraged this past weekend to read the book of Job. Ive not even made it to the second chapter yet and I can already see why it was recommended to me. Job was a blessed man. With an enriched farm and a blessed family. In the Bible, Job is described as "a man of complete integrity" who "fears God and stays away from evil" Job 1:8. It is then, that just like in our everyday lives, Satan decides to take over and do his best to turn the Godly Job away from his Savior. The Sabeans then raid and destroy his farm, the Chaldean raiders stole some of his animals and killed his servants, a giant wind came and collapsed his son's home, killing all of his children. Why would such a thing happen to a man who has been good? Who worshipped his Lord each and everyday and had raised his children to do the same. God was aware of Satan's plan to attack Job. So why would a God who loves us allow this to happen? One thing I found very intriguing was that in the book of Job, Satan comes to God and tells Him of his plan. To which God says, "All right you may test him"(verse 12). Satan believes that if he takes away what God has given us, we will not be able to withstand the challenge and will turn against Him. God's power overcomes ANYTHING Satan can do. He knows what Satan wishes to do and he puts limitations on it. He tells Satan in verse 12 "Do whatever you want with every thing he possesses, but do not harm him physically". Does it not make you feel well to know that God is behind Satan's every plan? To me, reading in this first short chapter of Job alone made me realize that indeed there is truth that God will not give you anymore than you can handle. A very close friend told me years ago that we never go through anything until it has been sifted through God's hands. He has given it his seal of approval. Job then went on like any other human being would do and fell into a deep grief. Just before shifting into a deep worship. He says, "The Lord gave me what I had and then he took it away" (verse 21). Satan was never given this credit because it was Gods work! God controls all the Earth INCLUDING Satan! Just remember that as you are struggling, it is not Satan who has taken control, its God. So dont worry, because he is behind all. Its says it right there in the fine print of the Holy word! It is so incredible how just reading a few Bible verses can change your whole day.... I hope you stay with me in this journey with Job.

What if failure is just postponement until greater success?

Today should have been a special day for me. I SHOULD have taken a pledge and gotten pinned with 50 of the best people ive ever met. But that didnt happen. A couple of years ago I chose to take failure out of my vocabulary. Thinking that if I never thought of it, it wouldnt exist. Its ugly face would just go away. Its one of those things as you get older, you realize is unavoidable. Its one of those terrible thoughts that keeps nagging at you time and time again. It leaves you asking, what if? What do I do if I FAIL? But what if failure really doesn't exist. No im not crazy. They say there is a time and place for everything. Maybe "they're" right. I believe "failure" is a precursor to a success greater than we could have imagined. I fully believe when December comes I will celebrate with a group of new friends. Just another way God has answered a prayer. My prayer to expand as a person and make more friends that I can depend on. I will pass the NCLEX with a score unlike any other and become a fantastic nurse because God has told me the time is not now. I will share a love with a man that surpasses all fairytales because ive felt the pain of not being good enough for someone. And come December, I will rejoice with a group of new nurses with a knowledge deeper than what a book can teach me. All after dedicating myself to yet another semester of minimal sleep, reading until my head throbs, and waking up at 5 am. A sweet victory, after seeing pictures and hearing the joy of my sweet friends who became graduate nurses tonight. Ive felt that "failure" but have taken a step towards becoming EXACTLY what God has called me to be.

And He Saw That It Was Good

Ive become a person thats not a fan of change. I always thought I welcomed it and its new opportunities, the new doors that God opens for us. Ive gotten so used to the coziness of my uneventful life that has a roof over my head and a place to lay me down every night. Sometimes I guess we grow selfish. I never would consider myself selfish in any stretch of the imagination, but perhaps God sees otherwise and uses the opportunity to teach. God is the ultimate teacher, the ultimate everything. The past week has been one dark cloud placed over me and my family by what feels like Satan himself. But just when I want to give Satan that acknowledgement, that pleasure he gets out of knowing he has brought tears to my eyes more in the past few days then anything has in a while; God steps in and tells me differently. Ive decided to look at this as a sign from God. That life isnt all about having everything your perfect way. I truly believe he gives us situations so we can turn to him in full focus and rely on him to pull us through. I believe he does not give us anything we cant handle, but I also believe he tests us just as he tested Eve in the garden. We have the choice to keep praying and depend on God, or to give into Satan's persuasion that God is not on our side. Eve had this choice too. Though she gave into Satan's brain washing, God did not forsake Eve and He forgave her and went on to turn her against Satan and renewed her faith and showed her He was the one TRUE God. God did not foresake Eve despite her wrong doings and He will not forsake us!! Do you ever think maybe this is what God does for us? Maybe he sees that we are taking for granted the countless blessings he provides us with and sees that this is work of Satan. God knows how to get our attention, and eventhough it may hurt like its Satan's work in the process, I truly believe its God's work and I trust him to get me through. I don't believe prayers go unanswered, I just know that He answers them in His own way even if sometimes it seems completely opposite from what we asked. Don't ever think a God that created every piece of the heavens and the earths with His own two hands doesnt know what He is doing. In Genesis 18, He uses day and night, the sun and stars, to seperate light from darkness! TO SEPERATE LIGHT FROM DARKNESS! And He will do just that in our lives. Even in the darkest of our days we still have our blessings and that is our seperation of light from darkness! God sees His own work as well and good. Everythig He made has His blessing. Since You and I were made from him, we are good too! He made us in his own image, and just to know that I am good enough to be made in THAT image is enough to know I am going to be ok. Even if you sin, He sees what he has created as good. Remember? Eve did exactly the opposite of what she was told. But God saw her as good and blessed her with sons and allowed her to be fruitful to the Earth. One of my favorite things to remind myself of daily is that God knew me and every situation I would encounter, tear I would cry, person I would meet, and emotion I would feel before He formed me in my mother's womb. Therefore, these current battles faced by myself and my family is nothing knew to my Lord and Savior. He was prepared for this long ago and He has prepared me for it by promising his love when He sent His son! Let us not forget that He has seen ALL of His doings as good. Even those moments that make you truly question if He was listening to that prayer or in your darkest of days, if He even exists. Even the most devout of Christians have been in that moment! But friends, remember He was in this situation before you were, just like He is already in tomorrow or next week or a year from now. And He will see this too as just another of His creations that is well and good. I truly believe that in the end of all our battles, we too will see that His work is always well and good.

Check 1015

This check went to Africa to help keep a young teenage boy stay in school. He was threatening to be kicked out if he could not pay the remaining $410 left on the balance. A $410 that like many of us, he did not have. I prayed. Asking God to mold me into a person that could help this boy attend school. All it would take is 10 people to give $41 but my bank account only had about double that amount. I wanted to do something, knowing that if I were in his position I would want someone to do the same for me. Being faced with the choice of going to school or being sent to the streets of violence and poverty and have no life for himself. Then I remembered one of my favorite versus. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" Galations 6:9 So i wrote a check for 41$ without thinking twice. Knowing that God would provide for me, and he has. I waited many a week for that check to finally go through. It did last week and my heart filled with joy, knowing that I had done what I could to help. I dont know if he has been able to stay in school, but I do know he has a GOD that cares for him, that lead others to walk His path and provide for this precious boy. In the midst of my joy, it didnt take me long to realize that I was giving all this joy to my selfish self rather than to the one that led me to this duty and gave for me as I gave for someone else. I even went as far as posting it all over facebook that ID helped send a boy to school. Im thankful that God cleanses me of my sins. Because that indeed was not anything I did, nor was it my work. It was Gods work. Praise be to his name.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life"

What do you do when you hear a thousand voices in your head telling you your never good enough? When you find out you made a 70 freakin' 7 on your first nursing exam of your last semester? When you've personaly watched all the years you spent building relationships and lasting memories dissappear because YOU wanted to be the selfish one and go away in a corner becasue its what made YOU feel better. First, you ignore that voice (Satan). Knock that ugly spirit off your shoulder. Then, you hit your knees and look up to Lord. This is GODS life. Not ours and CERTAINLY not Satan's. Will you pray with me tonight? Will you pray that Satan's nasty "words" and useless spirit will flee from us and be replaced with God's holy word? Ive had so many people tell me they wished they had the relationship with Christ that I had. Well, you can. We all can. If theres anything my last couple of post should have taught you its that im not perfect. At all. And my hope is that I haven't come across as thinking of msyelf as that. All you have to do is close your eyes and tell God your listening. He always speaks, but we dont always hear, often because we choose not too. God loves you friends, and He has not called you to be perfect. But to love one another and live and see the world through His eyes. To be an ambassador for him. He hasn't called you to be in church every sunday dressed in your best if thats not where your heart is. He sent His son for you, His ONLY son, so that you can live for HIM. Hes made a promise that we will never be foresaken. Its no secret that the world needs our precious savior today. He is getting our attention. Hes calling for peace, be it in this great big world or in relieving the terrible anxieties that Satan insists on us (shout out to me). He is calling for less hate and more love in our marriages, for our sweet innocent children and people who live in the slums of violent countries where hate runs deep over drama that started thousands of years ago. He's healing the sick and bringing essentials to the poor. Hes fighting satan every day to heal our pains, to drive away the nasty cancer and diseases that is taking over so many bodies so that babies can grow up with mommys and daddys, and so that mommys and daddys can hold and rock their babies even if just for one more day. Hes cleansing dirty hearts and healing broken spirits. He believes in YOU. He FORGIVES. HE LIVES! All you have to do is look around you and you will see. He is actively working, but he wants his people to act and listen I'll be listening tonight with you.

"If my people who are called by my name , will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways , then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

And heres to a long line of sinners like me

Who am I? Im a person thats breaking at the seams. I am not a perfect Christian and today proved that. I let the Devil win in so many different ways. I cried entirely too many tears over things I cant control. I wanted to run and hide form the world. I wanted to get out of Tennessee and forget about school. I wanted to be halfway across the world, in Kentucky, in my car driving with no real idea of a location. I wanted to be anywhere but stuck in this life that I have set before me right now. Im at a low point. That point in your life when the college kid in you realizes your graduating in less than 4 months. That finally realizes its not about fantasizing about your career anymore, its about DOING it. BEING a nurse. I have to write my resume and make it look decent enough for a job eventhough I dont feel like ive done anything noteworthy. I have to apply for a gazillion jobs and hope that one in Kentucky comes calling and that somehow in some sweet miracle ill come up with the money to move my life from here to there and start over. I have to pay nearly 500$ this semester for the NCLEX, my "pin", graduate fees, criminal background checks, etc. All while trying to pass 3 classes with an 80 otherwise I can kiss any of the above goodbye. Is this what we live for? Really? It cant be? I live for Jesus, but Satan is trying to win this battle. He reared his ugly head today and I almost gave into his convincing that everything was NOT going to be ok. Last night when I went to bed I asked that God put his arms around me and some other friends who were struggling right now. I suddenly felt jus that. Soft arms cuddling me. Im not making this up. I know God is with me even in the toughest of times even if he is trying to push me away from the plans I have made for MYSELF. Its not about me. When will I learn? The next 3 months may very well tell alot about what my future holds. Im not patient, but God has called me to listen. I just pray I can continue to feel his arms around me. Without him, I will not make it through this caos.

You dont have to be struggling to pray

Today we started classes again (our last semester!). And after making my blogs public last week, I was surprised at how many people came up to me and asked if I was ok and what was going on. Im thankful that they all care for me, let me not be mistaken about that. But let me also be clear about this; I do not wish for everyone to go to God only when they are struggling and I hope that I havent come across that way. Yes, in times of struggle you may grow closer to God because you realize just HOW amazing he is. But lets remember its also important to praise God for our blessings. For the simple fact that we wake up every morning, that we have food in our bellies, and hugs, kisses, or smiles given to us from the people that love us everyday. That while families just down the road from us are struggling to stay warm and worry for their safety, we are well cared for. I believe God has his plan for everyone and he knew our struggles before we were formed in the womb. I dont know why many people struggle in the ways they do, I dont know why there is violence and poverty in this world. I wish I did. But I do know God is with all of us in times of good and bad. I choose to know that. There is one thing we all have in common and that is LIFE, given to us by God when he sent his son to die on the cross. We make it through everyday and its because we were provided for by Him.
I once heard someone say they believe in God when "you are really down and out and soemthing brings you back up, thats when I believe in God". God is not someone who exists some times and not the others. He was with me long before I started blogging. When I was rejoicing when I graduated from high school, when I was crying everday in heartbreak while at UK. I know hes been with me everyday for 22 years. The only thing wrong with me is concern for those who have so much less. I want to see more people come to know God, and now that HE is what gives them life despite there struggles.
Im excited because today we learned that with our Peds class we may have the opportunity to take part in an after school program for kids in the "projects" right here in Knoxville. We'll get to teach them a lesson on nutrition and health! Im excited because I LOVE doing things like this. As evidenced by the fact that id like to do so overseas one day! Heres to new beginnings!

Walks with God

"We're all fallen, but at the same time we are not broken"
During my walk this morning I was once again spoken to by God. I have struggled with myself for nearly 22 years. Always telling myself I was not good enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not outgoing enough. I was always told that positive thought was important, but its easy to underestimate. Ive decided to change my thinking and in the past couple of weeks that I have done so, I feel better,possibly even great. Why be your own worst enemy? Why beat yourself up? Why be your own bully? God is in control of you, your past, your present, and future. Our minds are like computers, the more we input positive thoughts, it starts to become second nature and we begin to believe them. Having been the person that input negative thoughts into her mind for so many years, I can tell you its true and when thinking negatively, any hardship you encounter, if even minor, seem 100000x worse. So this morning, God told me "You have faced battles in life my child, with many more to come. But they did not break you, I did not foresake you. Therefore, you are strong and me you will follow and forever be protected". I was rebaptized in 2011 and it was around that time that I was also accepted into nursing school and began praying for God to help me change my way of life. I trusted him and he has done so. Greater than I could have ever imagined.
He has taught me that in any battle, be it minor or small that I may face throughout the day, week, month, or year I should look to him and will not be mislead or foresaken.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will mae your paths straight." Proverbs 3: 5-6

Help me to Sing Hallelujah

Im still retarded with this thing, or anything technological for that matter. I want a playlist on here but am still tyring to figure that one out (it was alot easier on old school myspace). I was going to post a link from youtube but I cant find the official video and feel weird posting one that someone has made. I'll just encourage you to google or youtube "Hallelujah" by Bethany Dillon. Its my favorite song right now. The anxiety is alittle hard to handle this morning. Thoughts that you know you cant control but want so badly to. This song always seem to help. I blast it on the way home from school alot. We CAN handle whatever the day brings.

30 things

Hi friends, in this journey I am in with myself to become a better person, I would like to include you. I have been called to help others, thats quite clear. Many are facing struggles similar to my own and many are worse. A dear friend shared this with me the other day after telling me I had been in her prayers. Friends reading this (whomever you may be) mayeb you need to read this too....

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

Finding Gods purpose for me...

Believe it or not, it took me several tries to get the title of this blog perfect. There were several titles that kept putting my name beforew God's. Me, me, me. Maybe that has been the problem all along. I have been a Christian all my life but sometimes it means nothing until God comes first. I sit here still with no real purpose for this blog other than for guess who? ME! Ive started following a few blogs of those who do mission work in the likes of India, Uganda, and Africa and its everso inspiring. I will do this one day. In this journey of change ive decided to start researching on how to do this myself. I know it take lots of help and with everything else going on my life right now, lots of prayer. Who knows where I will be in a year from now. Maybe youll see me blogging from somewhere across the world. Or maybe ill still be home doing Gods work as a nurse. I dont need to be across the world to spread his word. But im soo ready to do it in any location, in any situation. The thought scares me, but who isnt scared by going to the other side of the universe where you know no one and none of the language. If you feel led to do it, you do it and trust God the whole way through. Im here to say right now, I feel led. I dont necessarily feel this will happen anytime soon. But I feel God is asking me to carry out this challenge. It seems so obvious from the acquaintances ive made and the blogs ive stumbled upon over the past year, from the nurse ive workd with time and time again in a tiny hospital right here in TN. Im scared, terrified, that wont change. But God, I hear you and with you I will do this. I will praying about this constantly but in time I really do believe I will live out this dream

God is my "Help", my refuge,and my strength

Yes im back, I know you missed me. Ive decided if there is anything this blog is good for, its getting out some of the raging thoughts that flow through my head on a daily basis. Ive recently started a new journey in my life (which I can't decide if Im going to blog about) and im interested in seeing just how much it changes me. I thought about journaling it so I can go back and read about it to see how far ive come once I get better (because I will get better). Then I remembered this blog that I created long ago with the intentions of using, and decided it might be a good idea to share this journey with anyone who might come across my blog while they are bored and cant seem to stop hitting the "next blog" button. You never know who it could inspire right? And Ive always said if i can change at least one persons life, its worth it.
Anyway, with a new year comes alot of new opportunities. I will close another chapter in my life this year but more importantly I will START a new one. Ive been in school since I was 4 and while May will only bring about 1 degree of the hopefully 3 I will receive in life, I havent felt this good about anything in a while. I think nursing will open up my world to countless opportunities. I want to travel, I always have, so the opportunity to be a travel nurse seems so attractive. I still want to go to Africa and I plan to. I worked with a nurse back before the semester ended in the oncology outpatient unit. Ive worked with her several times and shes one of my favorites, its been a great experience everyt time. She told me about her recent trip to Africa with her church. She treated people for asthma, colds, and even one teenage boy for an STD. All while ministering to this child that God still loved him through his bad choices. I cant imagine a greater joy. I get cold chills just thinking about it. I pray I get that opportunity, but if not I will follow God and live out his word anyway he chooses for me to do so.
I recently finsihed a novel in less than 2 weeks time which is unheard of for me. After reading chapters and chapters everyday for nursing school, I vowed not to pick up a book all Christmas break. But I cracked and decided to read The Help. Ive heard good things and I adore the movie. Im simply not a big reader but this book was hard to put down. Not only is it crazy inspiring but it taught me about life. I seem to turn everything into something corny and its annoying I know. But as I found myself being eager to turn every page and read on, I wondered "why can't life be like this". That story makes you happy, sad, and want to punch Hilly Holbrook (yes she has my last name unfortunately) sometimes all on the same page. But you still want to read on because its just THAT good. Well, life is exactly like that. Just like in the pages of this book, we encounter an array of emotions each day but theres no reason why we cant survive it and turn the page and wait for what life has in store for tomorrow.I could have easily put down that book when I read a line I didnt like, I could have looked at it negatively and thought "Why would I want to read a depressing book?" But I chose to continue reading and im glad I did. I really do believe life has happy endings. Sometimes its hard to keep going, but God never promised life would be easy. He just promised life, and the least we can do is keep living it. We will encounter struggles in life, yes. But just like the ladies in the book, we will face them, get through them, and keep going. Each day brings about something new and today is just as good a day as any to start smiling again, or start smiling for the first time. Trust me, I need to heard this just as much as you.