No Greater Love

Very few people know my thoughts on relationships. Mostly because no one ever asks or cares to take the time to listen. What is love? (Baby dont hurt me) Is it that schoolyard thing were you chase eachother and swear the other has cooties? maybe. Who am I to say its not? Or is that high school thing when you hold hands in the hallway between classes and then spend all night on the phone talking about nothing? Then theres the college love when neither one of you really know what you want but you know you like being around eachother, and if your anything like me...you realize its so scary to be with someone yet you want to all at the same time. Some people seem to get it right from the very beginning. When you meet your "boyfriend" in middle school and just keep falling in love with him every single day and then finally tie the knot in your twenties. Yeah, I hate those people too. Then theres people like me, who are 0 for 3 and have no motivation to meet someone in the future. I know God teaches us to love one another from the very beginning. Thats why he sent his son to die on the cross for us, to show us that love, REAL love always exist even when we cant seem to find it. I truly believe we all have our purpose, and I cant help but think that to love is one of those purposes. Maybe it is to adopt little babies as a single parent and give them the love they could never imagine, or to find your soulmate at whatever age (maybe on the second or even third try) and have your dream wedding followed by your dream honeymoon which leads to a life of love, laughter, and pure happiness. To hold your first born in your arms after hours of labor, and then grow to see your babies have babies. Or maybe its just sharing a smile with your lonely next door neighbor whose husband died yerars ago and shes never had the energy or desire to find love again because, even in heaven, he still holds her heart. We dont come to love simply by meeting a partner. We love and are showered with happiness simply by not hating and forgiving. 1 Pete 4 verse 8 tells us to "Love each other deeply, because love covers a mulitude of sins". But how do we love and not hate? I'll be honest its not easy, especially when youve been burned as much as I have. I think God wants each of us to have our own love story, and that no one love story in all His creation is exactly the same. My belief is that I've experienced heartache and failed love so that one day I can give one man my ENTIRE heart, and experience love and happiness beyond all understanding. And ill understand what I need to do each and every day to make that love truly last until death do us part. I think the same goes for divorce. I believe bad things happen to make the great things to come greater. Or it could be that God has chosen for me not to find love so that I give all of that to give the kids in Africa and across the world all the love I have. Or so I can love my patients as if they were my own mother, father, brother, sister, or children. I believe we are created for love or with contentment and independence to forever be just one person and never made for 2 to become 1 in the eyes of the Lord. I dont know, I do however know that I am not one to question God. God told Jonah that since He created the heavens and the earths, Jonah was not one to question His plan. Besides God's love, ther is one more that I will never be able to understand and thats one of a soldier, sailor, marine and all other service men and women. I chose not to spend my Memorial Day on the lake with a drink in my hand (nothing towards anyone who did) Instead I spent it walking through the precious graves of some local military cemeteries. As i passed one grave in particular, it all came to me. A love for ME someone this man did not know (just like Jesus). I can't even imagine. The gentleman had recieved the medal of honor because he refused to leave the battle ground after being injured twice. I could never do that, but I wish I had that love to give and I thank God every day for calling on those individuals and leading them to answer that call so that I can sit here and praise a God and feel safe enough to talk about it. Then there is the love of Jesus, the love that surpasses all others. The love that Jesus tells us in John 19 verse 28 he was ok to die for because he knew his mission on this earth was complete. Like it or not, we all have our mission on this earth. I know a big part of that mission is to love for John 15:13 tells us "There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends". No he does not ask all of us to die for someone else. But in a way thats what we do, or at least thats what I plan to do. To marry someone and have a love so deep that im willing to give up have my life so that they can live. And then have my own children and give my crazy kid life (that never has been so crazy) so that they can grow up and have their life the way they want it. And then one day be layed to rest so that the ones I leave behind can hopefully live a life the way I have taught them. Those are my plans and that what love is to me. So if you ever have to wonder if love truly does exist (as I do at times) dont let Satan take over. Remember the love that Christ had for you, and the love that He still does each and every day. Love is something worth dying for.

Grown up moments...

I hate them. Some seem worse than others. I felt good all day today. So on fire for Jesus I could hardly stand it.I couldnt go to sleep last night because so many thoughts were raging through my head about possibly blogs. I wrote so many sloppy notes last night its not even funny. I love doing amateur "sermons" and this blog and I feel the need to teach everyone I can about Jesus. Be it somewhere overseas, in the hospital, or to someone ive never met who stumbles upon my blog when they're bored. Its like my light got switched on, my match got struck, and now my heart is beating for the One and Only. Then suddenly that dark cloud started to take over. This probably wont be one of my more positive blogs. I hate that for those reading and know you dont come to hear my venting, but to learn about some new book in the Bible. Its like now that there is no school I have more time to blog and study the Bible, but I also have more time to think about everything that isnt going correctly. I think about how so many things lead me to want to stay here where ive called home for almost 20 years but other things tell me to go forth and go to a new place where my past truly is my past. Now I know why so many people said you shouldnt wish to grow up so fast. Why so many people always hated romantic movies and that love in real life isnt always like the movies. And it certainly isnt the way we thought it was in grade school. My doctor says I shouldnt be on the compouter before bed and now here I am. There are so many questions I want to ask, but then I realize im not supposed to know the answers. If we were life would be a lot easier and we would have no chance to grow in our faith is everything was so honky-dory all the time. So why do I turn to my blog? My personal issues arent worthy of the space ive created for the Lord. But as always, he tells me something in my time of deep pain and confusion. He and I want you to know that although I am a true Christian saved by the blood shed by Christ and that he controls all....I still struggle and I still question. Yes, I ask why me God? Its so easy to ask. Just like Jonah and Job both did (both of which have blogs coming up). He wants you to know that none of us are perfect, but HE, HE is. God gives us challenges just as he did for those in the Bible, but instead of running from them which is so easy to do, He wants us to run TO Him. I dont want to get too far in detail because alot of this is similar to what I wanted to say about Job and Jonah which adds to my fear that I sound like a broken record. Then I stop worrying about that because maybe thats how God wants me to sound. Hes led me to teach about battles and finding the light. Im gonna leave you with a verse I just so happen to come around across the other day. One that you might see more of in the coming posts....It comes from 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.."All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all Mercy! God of all healing Counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alonside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." Hmmm....I just have to keep remembeing that verse. And with all the blogs Ive felt led to write lately, I can't help but thank thats what God wants for me. Here are a few more verses suitable for the moment... "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:18 "Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 "The Steps of the Godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives." Psalm 37:23

Momma

Ive been debating all day about whether or not to write this. I just know nothing I can ever say or write will give my mom half the credit and appreciation she deserves. And now that there is only an hour left in Mother's day and my sweet momma has gone to bed (I tend to write better when im by myself in my zone) I got in my blogging zone and since im STILL stuck on Job I decided momma deserved a blog. I dont know where to begin on her, I just know shes carrying on the tradition of strong, incredible women in our family, a tradition that I dont see how I will ever be able to continue. I want to thank my mom for so many things. Like how she put me in a dress and sent me to Sunday school almost from the time I could walk and has continued to encourage Jesus in my life for the past 22 years and turned me into a woman thats on fire for Jesus. Theres not a day that goes by that she doesnt remind me in some way that "God is in control" even if its not verbally. It takes one incredible woman to raise two sons 18 months apart and then 7 years later....have a baby girl. It had to have been hard raising two teenagers all while having a little school ager (I know how challenging that is from Peds class!) but she did it and never complained. Then there was that time I got a stomach virus and her and mammaw slept with me in the living room all night and listened to my misfortune (lol). When no other mom could handle being in two (sometimes three) places at once, she did. Every sporting event, scout trip, dance recital, band competition, or school awards ceremony saw her there with a smile and we never had to ask if she was coming because we always knew. When my oldest brother went to Germany and Iraq and life had to go on back here in America with me as a teenager, she didnt leave me and did her best not to cry in front of me. I saw her heartbreak the night my grandparents died and the day we laid them to rest but she always found the time to comfort her kids. When she got the call in the middle of the night that Hailey Grace was on her way she jumped in the car for 3 hours without skipping a beat. Then there was the time when I had my first broken heart as a 19 year old three hours away, and she listened to me cry on the phone every night and still smacks me in the face to this day when I wanna blame that on every guy I meet! When my most recent tragedy came and I called her bawling my eyes out, she left work just to come hold me and tell me "You'll get through this" and she was right...as always. Theres the mom thats moving in 2 weeks to go help the heal the heart of guess who...another child. Last night when I went to bed, my wheels were turning for this blog and everything I wanted to say to the point that I almost got out of bed to write it...but ofcourse my laziness didnt. And I guess now im paying for it since I cant remember half what I wanted to say. But I hope she knows all that she means to me although nothing I ever do will be able to tell her that. My admiration for her grows daily and though I sometimes crumble at the thought that MY rock, the lady thats always supposed to have all the answers, is searching for some herself..I know that im no longer the little girl and now its my turn to be the rock. Good thing I learned from the best.

Mammaw and Me

I know I promised a series on Job and I'll get back to that once I figure out where to go next with it. Ministry is a wonderful challenge! With mother's day being this weekend I couldnt help but be thinking about the amazing mommas in my life and while they deserve more credit than ill ever be able to give them, I wanted to write down some of my thoughts. This is one is particularly hard, bringing me to tears as I type. Its been almost 9 years since my Mammaw passed away after battling what was basically a life of illness. Im not sure how she overcame all that she did and how she always managed to keep that sweet smile on her face. The strongest, most Godly woman ive ever met. I truly believe she was an angel that God sent here to show us that life is worth fighting for. Im blessed that God allowed me to be born to such amazing parents who themselves had such amazing parents. While they are both passed on, she and my Pappaw are what keep me believing in love. They met in the Army, her as a nurse and he as a soldier and I realize now how fitting that was because neither one ever left the others side. Its a reminder that every lady is worth a kiss goodnight everynight, and a call home every afternoon before you left work just to ask if there was anything she needed. Its a reminder that little arguments (if youd even call them that) during the day dont promise a failing love. And she herself was a reminder that battles you face in life dont define you. Which brings me to knowing that today she is with me. I feel like God gave my momma to her and then gave me to my momma so we could both learn a thing or two from Mammaw. I see even more now that God gives battles even to good people (just like Job learns in his story) because without challenges we would never grow in our faith. And thats exactly what Mammaw did. I dont know what she saw all those times she was in a hospital bed and threatened with losing her life. But i do know she never gave up hope in her Lord and Savior. Which is why I rest assured that she has been dancing with Him after all these years and I know She and He are both watching out for us in these times of need. I can't imagine the things shes seen and the eternal life that shes had but I can't wait to see her again one day and experience it too. It seems like only yesterday that I was crying the most tears I had ever cried up to that point as a 13 year old girl at her funeral. Im so thankful that I had those 13 years to know her and that shes suffering no more, and most importantly that shes walking right next to the one and only Jesus. Happy mother's day, Mammaw. I love and miss you more with each passing day. I know you are with us.

Are you Acing your tests? My journey with Job

You're probably seeing a theme in each of my posts. I would say I'd done it on purpose, which in a way I have. But in many other ways, its just come to me. In perhaps perfect timing. Last week I told you about Eve and her tests in the garden, how God never stopped loving her even though she gave into Satan's plea. I also spoke about how God is the ultimate teacher. Which leads to my further belief, a realization that I have recently come to, that the Bible is indeed a book of tests. I hate tests, particulary right now and a few of you reading that know me know why. But ive come to know that in every tests there is a lesson and a reason. I was encouraged this past weekend to read the book of Job. Ive not even made it to the second chapter yet and I can already see why it was recommended to me. Job was a blessed man. With an enriched farm and a blessed family. In the Bible, Job is described as "a man of complete integrity" who "fears God and stays away from evil" Job 1:8. It is then, that just like in our everyday lives, Satan decides to take over and do his best to turn the Godly Job away from his Savior. The Sabeans then raid and destroy his farm, the Chaldean raiders stole some of his animals and killed his servants, a giant wind came and collapsed his son's home, killing all of his children. Why would such a thing happen to a man who has been good? Who worshipped his Lord each and everyday and had raised his children to do the same. God was aware of Satan's plan to attack Job. So why would a God who loves us allow this to happen? One thing I found very intriguing was that in the book of Job, Satan comes to God and tells Him of his plan. To which God says, "All right you may test him"(verse 12). Satan believes that if he takes away what God has given us, we will not be able to withstand the challenge and will turn against Him. God's power overcomes ANYTHING Satan can do. He knows what Satan wishes to do and he puts limitations on it. He tells Satan in verse 12 "Do whatever you want with every thing he possesses, but do not harm him physically". Does it not make you feel well to know that God is behind Satan's every plan? To me, reading in this first short chapter of Job alone made me realize that indeed there is truth that God will not give you anymore than you can handle. A very close friend told me years ago that we never go through anything until it has been sifted through God's hands. He has given it his seal of approval. Job then went on like any other human being would do and fell into a deep grief. Just before shifting into a deep worship. He says, "The Lord gave me what I had and then he took it away" (verse 21). Satan was never given this credit because it was Gods work! God controls all the Earth INCLUDING Satan! Just remember that as you are struggling, it is not Satan who has taken control, its God. So dont worry, because he is behind all. Its says it right there in the fine print of the Holy word! It is so incredible how just reading a few Bible verses can change your whole day.... I hope you stay with me in this journey with Job.

What if failure is just postponement until greater success?

Today should have been a special day for me. I SHOULD have taken a pledge and gotten pinned with 50 of the best people ive ever met. But that didnt happen. A couple of years ago I chose to take failure out of my vocabulary. Thinking that if I never thought of it, it wouldnt exist. Its ugly face would just go away. Its one of those things as you get older, you realize is unavoidable. Its one of those terrible thoughts that keeps nagging at you time and time again. It leaves you asking, what if? What do I do if I FAIL? But what if failure really doesn't exist. No im not crazy. They say there is a time and place for everything. Maybe "they're" right. I believe "failure" is a precursor to a success greater than we could have imagined. I fully believe when December comes I will celebrate with a group of new friends. Just another way God has answered a prayer. My prayer to expand as a person and make more friends that I can depend on. I will pass the NCLEX with a score unlike any other and become a fantastic nurse because God has told me the time is not now. I will share a love with a man that surpasses all fairytales because ive felt the pain of not being good enough for someone. And come December, I will rejoice with a group of new nurses with a knowledge deeper than what a book can teach me. All after dedicating myself to yet another semester of minimal sleep, reading until my head throbs, and waking up at 5 am. A sweet victory, after seeing pictures and hearing the joy of my sweet friends who became graduate nurses tonight. Ive felt that "failure" but have taken a step towards becoming EXACTLY what God has called me to be.

And He Saw That It Was Good

Ive become a person thats not a fan of change. I always thought I welcomed it and its new opportunities, the new doors that God opens for us. Ive gotten so used to the coziness of my uneventful life that has a roof over my head and a place to lay me down every night. Sometimes I guess we grow selfish. I never would consider myself selfish in any stretch of the imagination, but perhaps God sees otherwise and uses the opportunity to teach. God is the ultimate teacher, the ultimate everything. The past week has been one dark cloud placed over me and my family by what feels like Satan himself. But just when I want to give Satan that acknowledgement, that pleasure he gets out of knowing he has brought tears to my eyes more in the past few days then anything has in a while; God steps in and tells me differently. Ive decided to look at this as a sign from God. That life isnt all about having everything your perfect way. I truly believe he gives us situations so we can turn to him in full focus and rely on him to pull us through. I believe he does not give us anything we cant handle, but I also believe he tests us just as he tested Eve in the garden. We have the choice to keep praying and depend on God, or to give into Satan's persuasion that God is not on our side. Eve had this choice too. Though she gave into Satan's brain washing, God did not forsake Eve and He forgave her and went on to turn her against Satan and renewed her faith and showed her He was the one TRUE God. God did not foresake Eve despite her wrong doings and He will not forsake us!! Do you ever think maybe this is what God does for us? Maybe he sees that we are taking for granted the countless blessings he provides us with and sees that this is work of Satan. God knows how to get our attention, and eventhough it may hurt like its Satan's work in the process, I truly believe its God's work and I trust him to get me through. I don't believe prayers go unanswered, I just know that He answers them in His own way even if sometimes it seems completely opposite from what we asked. Don't ever think a God that created every piece of the heavens and the earths with His own two hands doesnt know what He is doing. In Genesis 18, He uses day and night, the sun and stars, to seperate light from darkness! TO SEPERATE LIGHT FROM DARKNESS! And He will do just that in our lives. Even in the darkest of our days we still have our blessings and that is our seperation of light from darkness! God sees His own work as well and good. Everythig He made has His blessing. Since You and I were made from him, we are good too! He made us in his own image, and just to know that I am good enough to be made in THAT image is enough to know I am going to be ok. Even if you sin, He sees what he has created as good. Remember? Eve did exactly the opposite of what she was told. But God saw her as good and blessed her with sons and allowed her to be fruitful to the Earth. One of my favorite things to remind myself of daily is that God knew me and every situation I would encounter, tear I would cry, person I would meet, and emotion I would feel before He formed me in my mother's womb. Therefore, these current battles faced by myself and my family is nothing knew to my Lord and Savior. He was prepared for this long ago and He has prepared me for it by promising his love when He sent His son! Let us not forget that He has seen ALL of His doings as good. Even those moments that make you truly question if He was listening to that prayer or in your darkest of days, if He even exists. Even the most devout of Christians have been in that moment! But friends, remember He was in this situation before you were, just like He is already in tomorrow or next week or a year from now. And He will see this too as just another of His creations that is well and good. I truly believe that in the end of all our battles, we too will see that His work is always well and good.