And heres to a long line of sinners like me

Who am I? Im a person thats breaking at the seams. I am not a perfect Christian and today proved that. I let the Devil win in so many different ways. I cried entirely too many tears over things I cant control. I wanted to run and hide form the world. I wanted to get out of Tennessee and forget about school. I wanted to be halfway across the world, in Kentucky, in my car driving with no real idea of a location. I wanted to be anywhere but stuck in this life that I have set before me right now. Im at a low point. That point in your life when the college kid in you realizes your graduating in less than 4 months. That finally realizes its not about fantasizing about your career anymore, its about DOING it. BEING a nurse. I have to write my resume and make it look decent enough for a job eventhough I dont feel like ive done anything noteworthy. I have to apply for a gazillion jobs and hope that one in Kentucky comes calling and that somehow in some sweet miracle ill come up with the money to move my life from here to there and start over. I have to pay nearly 500$ this semester for the NCLEX, my "pin", graduate fees, criminal background checks, etc. All while trying to pass 3 classes with an 80 otherwise I can kiss any of the above goodbye. Is this what we live for? Really? It cant be? I live for Jesus, but Satan is trying to win this battle. He reared his ugly head today and I almost gave into his convincing that everything was NOT going to be ok. Last night when I went to bed I asked that God put his arms around me and some other friends who were struggling right now. I suddenly felt jus that. Soft arms cuddling me. Im not making this up. I know God is with me even in the toughest of times even if he is trying to push me away from the plans I have made for MYSELF. Its not about me. When will I learn? The next 3 months may very well tell alot about what my future holds. Im not patient, but God has called me to listen. I just pray I can continue to feel his arms around me. Without him, I will not make it through this caos.

You dont have to be struggling to pray

Today we started classes again (our last semester!). And after making my blogs public last week, I was surprised at how many people came up to me and asked if I was ok and what was going on. Im thankful that they all care for me, let me not be mistaken about that. But let me also be clear about this; I do not wish for everyone to go to God only when they are struggling and I hope that I havent come across that way. Yes, in times of struggle you may grow closer to God because you realize just HOW amazing he is. But lets remember its also important to praise God for our blessings. For the simple fact that we wake up every morning, that we have food in our bellies, and hugs, kisses, or smiles given to us from the people that love us everyday. That while families just down the road from us are struggling to stay warm and worry for their safety, we are well cared for. I believe God has his plan for everyone and he knew our struggles before we were formed in the womb. I dont know why many people struggle in the ways they do, I dont know why there is violence and poverty in this world. I wish I did. But I do know God is with all of us in times of good and bad. I choose to know that. There is one thing we all have in common and that is LIFE, given to us by God when he sent his son to die on the cross. We make it through everyday and its because we were provided for by Him.
I once heard someone say they believe in God when "you are really down and out and soemthing brings you back up, thats when I believe in God". God is not someone who exists some times and not the others. He was with me long before I started blogging. When I was rejoicing when I graduated from high school, when I was crying everday in heartbreak while at UK. I know hes been with me everyday for 22 years. The only thing wrong with me is concern for those who have so much less. I want to see more people come to know God, and now that HE is what gives them life despite there struggles.
Im excited because today we learned that with our Peds class we may have the opportunity to take part in an after school program for kids in the "projects" right here in Knoxville. We'll get to teach them a lesson on nutrition and health! Im excited because I LOVE doing things like this. As evidenced by the fact that id like to do so overseas one day! Heres to new beginnings!

Walks with God

"We're all fallen, but at the same time we are not broken"
During my walk this morning I was once again spoken to by God. I have struggled with myself for nearly 22 years. Always telling myself I was not good enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not outgoing enough. I was always told that positive thought was important, but its easy to underestimate. Ive decided to change my thinking and in the past couple of weeks that I have done so, I feel better,possibly even great. Why be your own worst enemy? Why beat yourself up? Why be your own bully? God is in control of you, your past, your present, and future. Our minds are like computers, the more we input positive thoughts, it starts to become second nature and we begin to believe them. Having been the person that input negative thoughts into her mind for so many years, I can tell you its true and when thinking negatively, any hardship you encounter, if even minor, seem 100000x worse. So this morning, God told me "You have faced battles in life my child, with many more to come. But they did not break you, I did not foresake you. Therefore, you are strong and me you will follow and forever be protected". I was rebaptized in 2011 and it was around that time that I was also accepted into nursing school and began praying for God to help me change my way of life. I trusted him and he has done so. Greater than I could have ever imagined.
He has taught me that in any battle, be it minor or small that I may face throughout the day, week, month, or year I should look to him and will not be mislead or foresaken.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will mae your paths straight." Proverbs 3: 5-6

Help me to Sing Hallelujah

Im still retarded with this thing, or anything technological for that matter. I want a playlist on here but am still tyring to figure that one out (it was alot easier on old school myspace). I was going to post a link from youtube but I cant find the official video and feel weird posting one that someone has made. I'll just encourage you to google or youtube "Hallelujah" by Bethany Dillon. Its my favorite song right now. The anxiety is alittle hard to handle this morning. Thoughts that you know you cant control but want so badly to. This song always seem to help. I blast it on the way home from school alot. We CAN handle whatever the day brings.

30 things

Hi friends, in this journey I am in with myself to become a better person, I would like to include you. I have been called to help others, thats quite clear. Many are facing struggles similar to my own and many are worse. A dear friend shared this with me the other day after telling me I had been in her prayers. Friends reading this (whomever you may be) mayeb you need to read this too....

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

Finding Gods purpose for me...

Believe it or not, it took me several tries to get the title of this blog perfect. There were several titles that kept putting my name beforew God's. Me, me, me. Maybe that has been the problem all along. I have been a Christian all my life but sometimes it means nothing until God comes first. I sit here still with no real purpose for this blog other than for guess who? ME! Ive started following a few blogs of those who do mission work in the likes of India, Uganda, and Africa and its everso inspiring. I will do this one day. In this journey of change ive decided to start researching on how to do this myself. I know it take lots of help and with everything else going on my life right now, lots of prayer. Who knows where I will be in a year from now. Maybe youll see me blogging from somewhere across the world. Or maybe ill still be home doing Gods work as a nurse. I dont need to be across the world to spread his word. But im soo ready to do it in any location, in any situation. The thought scares me, but who isnt scared by going to the other side of the universe where you know no one and none of the language. If you feel led to do it, you do it and trust God the whole way through. Im here to say right now, I feel led. I dont necessarily feel this will happen anytime soon. But I feel God is asking me to carry out this challenge. It seems so obvious from the acquaintances ive made and the blogs ive stumbled upon over the past year, from the nurse ive workd with time and time again in a tiny hospital right here in TN. Im scared, terrified, that wont change. But God, I hear you and with you I will do this. I will praying about this constantly but in time I really do believe I will live out this dream

God is my "Help", my refuge,and my strength

Yes im back, I know you missed me. Ive decided if there is anything this blog is good for, its getting out some of the raging thoughts that flow through my head on a daily basis. Ive recently started a new journey in my life (which I can't decide if Im going to blog about) and im interested in seeing just how much it changes me. I thought about journaling it so I can go back and read about it to see how far ive come once I get better (because I will get better). Then I remembered this blog that I created long ago with the intentions of using, and decided it might be a good idea to share this journey with anyone who might come across my blog while they are bored and cant seem to stop hitting the "next blog" button. You never know who it could inspire right? And Ive always said if i can change at least one persons life, its worth it.
Anyway, with a new year comes alot of new opportunities. I will close another chapter in my life this year but more importantly I will START a new one. Ive been in school since I was 4 and while May will only bring about 1 degree of the hopefully 3 I will receive in life, I havent felt this good about anything in a while. I think nursing will open up my world to countless opportunities. I want to travel, I always have, so the opportunity to be a travel nurse seems so attractive. I still want to go to Africa and I plan to. I worked with a nurse back before the semester ended in the oncology outpatient unit. Ive worked with her several times and shes one of my favorites, its been a great experience everyt time. She told me about her recent trip to Africa with her church. She treated people for asthma, colds, and even one teenage boy for an STD. All while ministering to this child that God still loved him through his bad choices. I cant imagine a greater joy. I get cold chills just thinking about it. I pray I get that opportunity, but if not I will follow God and live out his word anyway he chooses for me to do so.
I recently finsihed a novel in less than 2 weeks time which is unheard of for me. After reading chapters and chapters everyday for nursing school, I vowed not to pick up a book all Christmas break. But I cracked and decided to read The Help. Ive heard good things and I adore the movie. Im simply not a big reader but this book was hard to put down. Not only is it crazy inspiring but it taught me about life. I seem to turn everything into something corny and its annoying I know. But as I found myself being eager to turn every page and read on, I wondered "why can't life be like this". That story makes you happy, sad, and want to punch Hilly Holbrook (yes she has my last name unfortunately) sometimes all on the same page. But you still want to read on because its just THAT good. Well, life is exactly like that. Just like in the pages of this book, we encounter an array of emotions each day but theres no reason why we cant survive it and turn the page and wait for what life has in store for tomorrow.I could have easily put down that book when I read a line I didnt like, I could have looked at it negatively and thought "Why would I want to read a depressing book?" But I chose to continue reading and im glad I did. I really do believe life has happy endings. Sometimes its hard to keep going, but God never promised life would be easy. He just promised life, and the least we can do is keep living it. We will encounter struggles in life, yes. But just like the ladies in the book, we will face them, get through them, and keep going. Each day brings about something new and today is just as good a day as any to start smiling again, or start smiling for the first time. Trust me, I need to heard this just as much as you.