The Pieces..

"She was a slight black woman with deeply etched furrows in her weathered face. Her wiry hair, striated with shades of gnarly gray, was pulled back into a tightly wound bun. Arthritic hands, worn smooth by years love, labor, and life, flipped through pages of neatly placed books on the store shelf. I was 22 years old when I encountered the prophetess perusing shelves at a Christian book store in my hometown. Most likely my dress was too short, my shirt was too tight, and my face was too tanned. I was proudly strolling the aisles with my fiance, giddy with young love and bouncing with the energy of a college coed. I must have looked like a silly little girl. At least that would have been my summation as I reflect on the scene today. Steve and I were flipping through books on marriage when this little woman shuffled up beside me and placed her dark wrinkled hand on my arm. She looked me square in the eye and spoke. "Young lady, the Lord has just told me that one day you are going to preach the Word of God." I didnt know what to say, but somehow I managed a polite response. "Thank you, ma'am for sharing that with me." I replied. She patted my arm, turned, and disappeared out the door." I read this other day out of a book that my father got me at a gas station (no thats not a typo) thats become one of my favorites. Ive never been a big reader, but when I saw the title of this one "Becoming a Woman who Listens to God" (by Sharon Jaynes) I felt I should read it because thats something I really need to do more of right now. Ive been at a loss lately. Its hard thinking I have everything figured out just to have God remind me that, no I dont and He and I both knew that all along. So why do I try to figure it out so often? I had a great plan laid out to graduate from nursing school this past May and move to KY to be with my family. Around February of this year He began sending new people into my life that I could feel I was growing very close too. Id been asking for this, but when it came around in His timing I found myself saying "No, Lord not right now. I cant get close to people and then leave them in a few months to do this all over again." When graduating didnt happen (which im still upset about but now starting to embrace it) and I found out I would have to repeat a class in the Fall I thought "ok no big deal, Ill go to KY for the summer and work up there, come back for school, and then go back when I graduate like id planned." One measely little job interview came and went. I left feeling good about it but I guess God didnt because I never heard back. Mom and I have struggled with her being unemployed for most of the summer and we are so fortunate that my brother opened up his home for us. But she reminds me everyday how glad she is I didnt get that job because when my brother left for California for a month for work, I was here to help her chase around two preschoolers, a job that surely isnt easy for any number of people but its beautiful and untradeable all the same. So I know now that God had that planned out all along. The kids exhaust me and its hard being the disciplinarian and the spoiler all at once. An auntie cant go a single day without spoiling them  in some way...it just cant happen. I play referee, give piggy back rides, put together puzzles, fill sippy cups, kiss booboos, and give more hugs than I can count all in a days work. Sometimes I say I need a break an just want "quiet" time (quiet in quotations because that never usually happens here) Then God asks me why I want a break from this life his laid out just for me. And as much as I've told myself that, I realized today how much im going to miss the chaos when I go back to TN here in just a few short weeks. Everytime I back out of the driveway I cant wait for a nap but then I miss them minutes later and the cute things they say and do. Im blessed to spend my summer this way. And yet theres still something thats missing.  So then I tell God again "No, I like it here, its where ive wanted to be. Why do I feel otherwise?" I must have a left a hole in TN, I think to myself often. But on some days (like today) I realize maybe that hole is in my heart because even though I consider myself a very passionate Christian, I still havent turned all my worries over to God, trusting that He knows my future and will be with wherever I end up. Ive sat down in front of this blog several times and then ended up not posting what Ive come with because Satan tells me know one cares to read what I write. Satan does speak in our lives, its just a matter of which voice we choose to listen to and its easy to fall over and believe what isnt the truth no matter how strong of a Christian you are. I have come up with a message on forgiveness that may be some of the best words God has given me but I havent had the energy to share it with others because "what if no one likes it". Then God tells me how hard He already knows it is, how hard it is for Him to see people turn away from Him everyday when He allowed His only son to die so we could be, guess what? FORGIVEN. He tells me the best thing I can do is keep reaching, keep loving unconditionally and if that means only bringing one person to Christ, thats wonderful. For He tells us that when we do it for one of the least of His brothers and sisters, we are doing it for Him. (Matt. 25:40). I dont have to see the hands go up in praise of the Lord, or the tears run down a sinners face as he/she sees finds Christ. But I can know in my heart that I am doing good for Christ, how dare me be selfish and think I need to get "likes" on facebook, or compliments. I am confused about future, yes, but the one good thing is that God will be there, the same God that is here today, will be there then. And when my time comes to meet Him at His heavenly throne His arms will open wide and eternal life will be mine. As long as I have that hole in my heart Satan will take home in it, and He will continue to make me dwell on things I cannot change and he will continue to be there when I pray to God about the things I want, how I want Him to just show me the right direction instead of giving Him GLORY and thanking for one more day for me and one more day of peace and health for my family. But if I remain close to God and worship Him every single day, I will know that I am not even promised a future, but I am promised right now, and the rest is up to His story. So my future truly is up to God and I think thats why I still have no idea where I want to be eventhough ive pondered the thought continuously lately. Because as long as I believe in Him and know He is with me it doesnt matter if I make my home Kentucky, keep it in Tennessee, or get on a plane and go to Africa. A land I have so much love for yet have never set foot on the soil. I dont feel worthy for that but Peter, Noah, Moses, Jonah, and so many others werent ready either. And sometimes I think "God im not the one you want to send to Africa, why do I feel so strongly that I am the one? That you have placed a calling upon my heart and for crying our loud...why Africa?" But again, its on my heart for a reason, it wasnt my idea, it was His. And if He wants to use me in that way, I will become that person. In her book, Sharon didnt believe what the strange lady in the bookstore had told her. She had her plan as well. To have a house full of kids, a big house, and live happily with her husband, he as a dentist and her as his hygenist (how perfect!). Part of that did happen but due to fertility issues, she only had one child and today she does indeed preach His word writing books and speaking at different places. I truly believe God does send us angels when He needs help getting our stubborn attention. So it doesnt really matter what we choose for ourselves (and youd think I would know that because of what happened my freshman year of college but Gods lessons are never ending and maybe he sent me here to KY this summer to remind me it isnt my home, as bad as I want to be close to family, He reminds me it wouldnt be them I was leaving) because Gods path is the one that will win. We can take which ever we choose but in the end, only His will rescue us. I know my struggles and confusion are just pieces to His puzzle for me. It will all come together as my life progresses and when my life is complete so will be my puzzle. We put puzzles together one piece at a time, you cant get a head of yourself when doing them and lifes puzzle is no different. Im not going to be selfish and hope my life takes me to Africa, Costa Rica, and so forth to preach His word (eventhough I TRULY do feel called to Africa and sometimes maybe feel thats the whole in my heart), I just want to share it even if it never goes beyond this internet blog. As long as I love like He does, and share that love in THIS MOMENT....ive won. The rest of the pieces will follow. And when my puzzle is almost complete it will be just like when I finally accomplished that really hard puzzle of an ocean scenery I did with my nephew yesterdy, I will look at it and say "ohhh now I get it, it was shaping up to be beautiful the whole time".

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Notice the word "thanksgiving" in this verse, dont forget to thank God for where you are and who Hes helped you become, that things arent AS bad as they could be.Selfish prayers can help create that hole.

This one's for the girls

This is one of those "venting" blogs. Maybe even one that you dont care about and ill warn you now, if your a guy you probably DONT care. I had this thought earlier, one of my "blogging brainstorms". As much I feel God led  me to start this blog for others and not for me, I keep telling myself "this isnt your diary Whitney, no one wants to see you air our your dirty laundry." Then I remember how I preach about how your greatest struggles can turn into your greatest joys. I still cant fathom it but alot of people have been moved by my blogs. Not that I dont think they're good, im just in awe because these are all God's words not mine, and im not out to take glory for any of it. Hes not asked me to be a hero, just to share His word, His heroics. I didnt mean to do it, but suddenly ive come to realize my past few blogs have been centered on love. I guess its a "love" series. Im probably not the best person to come to for relationship advice. But I am set in what I want out of one, and that may or may not be the reason ive had very little success. Im convinced that theres 3 kinds of guys out there, and ive had every one. #1 The guy that takes FOREVER to make it "official" no seriously, like forever. Girls, am I right when I say that when we said we wanted to take it slow, we didnt mean we wanted to wait until we had grey hair and no viable eggs? #2 The guy that just does everything way to fast and we then find out it was never "us" he wanted....get it? #3 The guy that seems perfect at first. He goes at about the right pace and you get along pretty good. But sooner or later he just starts to treat you as one of the guys. I think friendship is HUGE in a relationship but there are some things you just dont wanna do with a "friend". I am not asking for a pity party here, I dont want to get a thousand comments about how "Oh im soo young and my prince will come someday"....yeah shut up. I already know that may or may not be true. I appreciate everyone's encouragement but heres another question for the girls. No matter how many times you hear that from someone whose already madly in love with a ring on their finger (easy for them to say) it doesnt make you feel any more certain that it will happen. Correct? SO. With that being said I had another talk with God today. I dont claim to hear voices even though i am crazy and I dont try to argue that one. But I do feel like I get answers when I pray and sometimes instantly. Its so amazing the way God does things. Today my answer was in the same form as it always is. Not exactly what I wanted to hear but it gave me peace. I know Hes calling me to be patient. The problem is im not patient and I feel like thats one thing ive been called to be for the past few years (He REALLY wants to be patient). But then I remember a verse I came to love so dearly just a few weeks ago, "Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised." Hebrews 10:36 See we dont always (hardly ever actually) understand what God is doing, but we also didnt know ourselves before we were formed in the womb. I dont know my future. But He does. Everything that is unknown to me is know to Him. This also comes from Hebrews 10:34 "You suffered along with those who were thrown into jail, and when all you owned was taken from you, you accepted it with joy. You knew there were better things waiting for you that will lasts forever." HI WHITNEY! Hi everyone! God has promised us happiness, both now and forever. As believers, we truly will live happily ever after. So as I was crying out to God asking why He seems to get me in so much trouble with relationships that in turn give me way too many tension headaches, I heard it again. That call to be patient. It wasnt a verbal response really, more like a feeling that helped me know exactly what He was saying. He told me "But child, if everything was so easy for you in the love department (yes God speaks my language and yours too) then you would never have what you have always hoped and asked me for. Which is that everlasting love similar to the one I have promised you. When I show you the right person, you will appreciate that love truly and with my help you will make it last because I have shown you both sides of the story. If you continue to be patient I will show you what to do. I will not let you walk alone on this." And then he reminded me of another verse  in Ecclesiastes 3 about there being a time for everything. "For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven, A time to be born and a time to die, A time to plant and a time to harvest, A time to kill and a time to heal, A time to tear down and time to build up, A time to cry and a time to laugh, A time to grieve and a time to dance, A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, A time to embrace and a time to turn away, A time to search and a time to quit searching, A time to keep and a time to throw away, A time to tear and a time to mend, A time to be quiet and a time to speak, A time to love and a time to hate, A time for war and a time for peace." 3:1-8. I feel like it might as well keep going and say "Whitney there is a time for you to find love and a time for you just to wait and watch my plan for you unfold. There is a time for to graduate nursing school and a time for you to see what is in store for you at this new campus. A time for you to go to Africa and time for you to stay and help your brothers and sisters here." God has written each of us something like this. And maybe I am meant to stay single and just go to third world countries to witness to the lost, or maybe wait and get married after that. I dont know, but He does and I know I will be thankful for walking His path just like I am so far. Then I thought about Ruth and how her heart was broken and then she followed Gods path and was rewarded with a new love and a new son. The funny thing is, I read her story and the verse in Ecclesiastes earlier in the week but just now am I seeing why God led me to them. I trust that He has something for me in the future that will help me to look back at this blog somewhere down the line and say "Oh I get it". And it doesnt have to be about finding the right guy that I can have til death do us part. Pain comes from many things and many types of loss. But one thing about it is always certain. There is a tomorrow. A time for happiness. And take it from someone who knows...Time heals all wounds.