The Pieces..

"She was a slight black woman with deeply etched furrows in her weathered face. Her wiry hair, striated with shades of gnarly gray, was pulled back into a tightly wound bun. Arthritic hands, worn smooth by years love, labor, and life, flipped through pages of neatly placed books on the store shelf. I was 22 years old when I encountered the prophetess perusing shelves at a Christian book store in my hometown. Most likely my dress was too short, my shirt was too tight, and my face was too tanned. I was proudly strolling the aisles with my fiance, giddy with young love and bouncing with the energy of a college coed. I must have looked like a silly little girl. At least that would have been my summation as I reflect on the scene today. Steve and I were flipping through books on marriage when this little woman shuffled up beside me and placed her dark wrinkled hand on my arm. She looked me square in the eye and spoke. "Young lady, the Lord has just told me that one day you are going to preach the Word of God." I didnt know what to say, but somehow I managed a polite response. "Thank you, ma'am for sharing that with me." I replied. She patted my arm, turned, and disappeared out the door." I read this other day out of a book that my father got me at a gas station (no thats not a typo) thats become one of my favorites. Ive never been a big reader, but when I saw the title of this one "Becoming a Woman who Listens to God" (by Sharon Jaynes) I felt I should read it because thats something I really need to do more of right now. Ive been at a loss lately. Its hard thinking I have everything figured out just to have God remind me that, no I dont and He and I both knew that all along. So why do I try to figure it out so often? I had a great plan laid out to graduate from nursing school this past May and move to KY to be with my family. Around February of this year He began sending new people into my life that I could feel I was growing very close too. Id been asking for this, but when it came around in His timing I found myself saying "No, Lord not right now. I cant get close to people and then leave them in a few months to do this all over again." When graduating didnt happen (which im still upset about but now starting to embrace it) and I found out I would have to repeat a class in the Fall I thought "ok no big deal, Ill go to KY for the summer and work up there, come back for school, and then go back when I graduate like id planned." One measely little job interview came and went. I left feeling good about it but I guess God didnt because I never heard back. Mom and I have struggled with her being unemployed for most of the summer and we are so fortunate that my brother opened up his home for us. But she reminds me everyday how glad she is I didnt get that job because when my brother left for California for a month for work, I was here to help her chase around two preschoolers, a job that surely isnt easy for any number of people but its beautiful and untradeable all the same. So I know now that God had that planned out all along. The kids exhaust me and its hard being the disciplinarian and the spoiler all at once. An auntie cant go a single day without spoiling them  in some way...it just cant happen. I play referee, give piggy back rides, put together puzzles, fill sippy cups, kiss booboos, and give more hugs than I can count all in a days work. Sometimes I say I need a break an just want "quiet" time (quiet in quotations because that never usually happens here) Then God asks me why I want a break from this life his laid out just for me. And as much as I've told myself that, I realized today how much im going to miss the chaos when I go back to TN here in just a few short weeks. Everytime I back out of the driveway I cant wait for a nap but then I miss them minutes later and the cute things they say and do. Im blessed to spend my summer this way. And yet theres still something thats missing.  So then I tell God again "No, I like it here, its where ive wanted to be. Why do I feel otherwise?" I must have a left a hole in TN, I think to myself often. But on some days (like today) I realize maybe that hole is in my heart because even though I consider myself a very passionate Christian, I still havent turned all my worries over to God, trusting that He knows my future and will be with wherever I end up. Ive sat down in front of this blog several times and then ended up not posting what Ive come with because Satan tells me know one cares to read what I write. Satan does speak in our lives, its just a matter of which voice we choose to listen to and its easy to fall over and believe what isnt the truth no matter how strong of a Christian you are. I have come up with a message on forgiveness that may be some of the best words God has given me but I havent had the energy to share it with others because "what if no one likes it". Then God tells me how hard He already knows it is, how hard it is for Him to see people turn away from Him everyday when He allowed His only son to die so we could be, guess what? FORGIVEN. He tells me the best thing I can do is keep reaching, keep loving unconditionally and if that means only bringing one person to Christ, thats wonderful. For He tells us that when we do it for one of the least of His brothers and sisters, we are doing it for Him. (Matt. 25:40). I dont have to see the hands go up in praise of the Lord, or the tears run down a sinners face as he/she sees finds Christ. But I can know in my heart that I am doing good for Christ, how dare me be selfish and think I need to get "likes" on facebook, or compliments. I am confused about future, yes, but the one good thing is that God will be there, the same God that is here today, will be there then. And when my time comes to meet Him at His heavenly throne His arms will open wide and eternal life will be mine. As long as I have that hole in my heart Satan will take home in it, and He will continue to make me dwell on things I cannot change and he will continue to be there when I pray to God about the things I want, how I want Him to just show me the right direction instead of giving Him GLORY and thanking for one more day for me and one more day of peace and health for my family. But if I remain close to God and worship Him every single day, I will know that I am not even promised a future, but I am promised right now, and the rest is up to His story. So my future truly is up to God and I think thats why I still have no idea where I want to be eventhough ive pondered the thought continuously lately. Because as long as I believe in Him and know He is with me it doesnt matter if I make my home Kentucky, keep it in Tennessee, or get on a plane and go to Africa. A land I have so much love for yet have never set foot on the soil. I dont feel worthy for that but Peter, Noah, Moses, Jonah, and so many others werent ready either. And sometimes I think "God im not the one you want to send to Africa, why do I feel so strongly that I am the one? That you have placed a calling upon my heart and for crying our loud...why Africa?" But again, its on my heart for a reason, it wasnt my idea, it was His. And if He wants to use me in that way, I will become that person. In her book, Sharon didnt believe what the strange lady in the bookstore had told her. She had her plan as well. To have a house full of kids, a big house, and live happily with her husband, he as a dentist and her as his hygenist (how perfect!). Part of that did happen but due to fertility issues, she only had one child and today she does indeed preach His word writing books and speaking at different places. I truly believe God does send us angels when He needs help getting our stubborn attention. So it doesnt really matter what we choose for ourselves (and youd think I would know that because of what happened my freshman year of college but Gods lessons are never ending and maybe he sent me here to KY this summer to remind me it isnt my home, as bad as I want to be close to family, He reminds me it wouldnt be them I was leaving) because Gods path is the one that will win. We can take which ever we choose but in the end, only His will rescue us. I know my struggles and confusion are just pieces to His puzzle for me. It will all come together as my life progresses and when my life is complete so will be my puzzle. We put puzzles together one piece at a time, you cant get a head of yourself when doing them and lifes puzzle is no different. Im not going to be selfish and hope my life takes me to Africa, Costa Rica, and so forth to preach His word (eventhough I TRULY do feel called to Africa and sometimes maybe feel thats the whole in my heart), I just want to share it even if it never goes beyond this internet blog. As long as I love like He does, and share that love in THIS MOMENT....ive won. The rest of the pieces will follow. And when my puzzle is almost complete it will be just like when I finally accomplished that really hard puzzle of an ocean scenery I did with my nephew yesterdy, I will look at it and say "ohhh now I get it, it was shaping up to be beautiful the whole time".

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Notice the word "thanksgiving" in this verse, dont forget to thank God for where you are and who Hes helped you become, that things arent AS bad as they could be.Selfish prayers can help create that hole.